When Life-Altering Changes Feel Like the End of Everything

"Please don't let this be the end for you." This is a thought that I've had a few times when talking to individuals deep in an experience of hopelessness. Sometimes this despair is born from depression. Other times, a major change has happened including the end of a relationship, a divorce, a death, a loss of a job, a serious illness, an injury, or a legal charge. The list is endless.

There are aspects of life that tend to become especially important to us. Things like relationships, our careers, and our health. When life-altering events occur, it can feel like the end.

In the DSM-V, there is a diagnosis meant to capture these times when a life event has a particularly intense impact on us, an adjustment disorder. By definition, the duration is short and the diagnosis stands close to trauma-related disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder. When we have another mental health condition such as major depression, bipolar disorder, or generalized anxiety disorder, these transitions can be even more pronounced.

Great Changes and Thoughts of Suicide

Tragically, great changes as these can be a risk factor for suicide. Research has found that the end of a relationship can sometimes predict suicidal thoughts and actions for some, particularly in men (Evans and colleagues, 2016). An analysis of suicide notes found that remarks on guilt at the end of a relationship were common in these last words (Coster and Lester, 2013). The more committed a person feels to the relationship the higher the risk that a person may struggle with thoughts of suicide (Love and colleagues, 2017). In addition, research suggests that events such as a romantic break-up often predict the transition from thoughts of suicide to suicide attempts in adolescents (Paul, 2018).

Other major changes such as job loss and grief are also associated with suicide (Choi and colleagues, 2022). These are aspects of life that can become intertwined with our identity. When someone is highly attached to a person or life role and then loses that, an entire life trajectory can feel upended. We may ask ourselves, "What now?"

For some, this struggle can lead to a situation where they may feel life is no longer worthwhile, or do not feel that there is enough reason to go on. A person might not be able to sort through and problem-solve while drowning in these deepest senses of loss. In these times, professional support must be accessed.

Self Beyond Work and Love

An activity employed at times in acceptance commitment therapy is to ask someone to write a list of roles they play on different notecards and to place these in front of them. We then ask, 'Which of these is you?' It's a trick question, as the whole of us is not our status as a mother, a student, a partner, or even a kind person. As much as these pieces may mean to us, we are the person behind our eyes as these words merely describe us. In acceptance commitment therapy, this is called self-as-context (Hayes, 2019).

In the depths of grief, it can be difficult to see an us beyond what it is that we have lost. Of course, it is important to allow ourselves to feel this pain. Yet, we have to keep in mind we are still here, it is the person behind our eyes who is experiencing the pain.

Hope and Meaning

There is hope. We may lose hope at times for specific outcomes, like for a relationship to prosper. Yet, we can find hope in other things. We might hope to reconnect with an old friend or to find joy in walking through a garden, for example.

There is a concept of post-traumatic growth, the ways many find meaning after a traumatic event or loss. This can be in beginning new interests, finding purpose in what happened, through support resourced, gaining new relationships, and spirituality.

Like a phoenix that has disappeared and risen from its ashes, as overwhelming as it can feel at first, it is possible to start anew.

Strategies for Coping

1. Seek Help

If you are having thoughts of suicide or otherwise are deep in a sense of hopelessness, you must reach out for help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 9-8-8. In addition, psychotherapy can aid in putting the pieces back together. Having someone with you to help as you work through things can override some of the overwhelm.

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2. Allow Space for Grief

Grief has a purpose. It is important to allow yourself to feel this. The more we push it away, especially if we are using substances, the stronger it comes back. When we make space for it, we give ourselves a chance to begin to heal.

3. The Pieces of You Beyond This

It may be difficult in these times to remember the pieces of you beyond this. Still, anytime you can practice things like curiosity, creativity, connecting with others, or reaching out to friends brings you closer to redefining who you are outside this.

4. Build Support

If you are struggling significantly with a major change, this is not the time to go it alone. You might be hesitant to reach out, yet it can be incredibly helpful to connect with another person in these times. You might consider talking to someone supportive of you in the past, or you may choose to attend a support group. Whatever it is, do what you can to keep others close.

In Conclusion

Endings in life such as the end of a relationship can feel final. Yet, life can go on. If you are having difficulty with these transitions, you are not alone. This is something almost everyone experiences at one time or another in terms of life changes. Reach out for support. Take each day as its challenge. Healing may be slow, but it can come.