How Depression Makes You Feel You Don't Deserve Happiness

In therapy, that's often not revealed at first. It goes like this: in conversation with a client in deep distress, often someone who is acting in ways that could be called self-destructive, I will learn that I am talking to someone who doesn't believe that they deserve happiness. Beliefs such as these rarely pop out of nowhere, but often follow a cascade of depression and/or trauma. Such a belief can sabotage attempts at healing. Even speaking it out loud requires courage. Yet, acknowledging the belief is far from the most rigorous aspect of working through it.

A study of 490 individuals living with depression found that 20% of participants did not believe that they deserved to get better (Zimmerman and Becker, 2023). For some, this represents depressive thinking, a phenomenon wherein, like dark sunglasses, depression shades our views of everything, especially ourselves. A core belief that one doesn't 'deserve' happiness certainly reflects a depressed mood.

Trauma, especially trauma in childhood, also appears to play a role. An inquiry into self-hatred among adults in a psychiatric setting found a strong correlation between negative self-beliefs and child abuse (Nilsson et al., 2022). Traumatic experiences in childhood are associated with depression with, especially in cases of childhood emotional abuse (Mandelli et al., 2015).

Repetition is the simplest form of brainwashing. Children who receive negative messages about themselves are likely to have self-images that are distorted. The shame associated with this might lead someone to see themselves as undeserving.

Shame is deeply connected to depression. It's difficult to draw an arrow of causation, however, meta-analysis shows a strong correlation between shame and depression (Kim et al., 2011). Many individuals are walking around with secrets that they deem 'unforgivable.' These are often linked with traumatic memories or experiences of rejection, isolation, and exclusion.

Individuals living with Borderline Personality Disorder, a condition that is associated both with childhood trauma and depression, are also particularly vulnerable to fear of compassion and self-hatred. Borderline Personality Disorder creates a perfect storm of emotional sensitivity, a faded sense of self, and a tendency toward self-destructive action which fosters beliefs as this.

What does it mean to 'deserve' something?

Before discussing further how this core belief can be dealt with, it is worthwhile to discuss what it means to 'deserve' something. In simple words, to deserve might be to have earned something either through entitlement or other action. The idea is quite abstract. Some people show a natural and immense sense of entitlement, while others view themselves as globally undeserving.

A sense of entitlement is associated with a higher socioeconomic status in childhood (Levitt‐Frank, & Shoshana, 2021). Yet, this is something we have no control over. Other qualities, such as living up to one's values or 'hard work' are difficult to measure. When depressed or struggling with troubling schemas ignited by trauma, we might not recognize our accomplishments or virtue.

When we are experiencing depression, we are likely to view ourselves as contributing less. We tend to exaggerate our flaws while minimizing our positive qualities.

Who is to say who deserves happiness? Does everyone? These are unanswerable questions. Still, in the midst of depression, the thought of being undeserving can feel incredibly 'true'. In cognitive behavioral therapy, this is called emotional reasoning.

Cognitive Approaches

A concrete approach is to challenge the belief by recognizing where it comes from and looking at the evidence. For someone struggling with shame, self-forgiveness can be incredibly powerful in healing.

Research has shown self-forgiveness to have a variety of benefits for individuals living with depression, including decreased risk of suicide (Jung et al., 2019).

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Self-forgiveness is a process. It is something that usually must be done more than once. The potential is great, and while reaching self-forgiveness can be a long road, self-compassion is a first step.

Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff, a self-compassion expert, asserts three components to self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness (Neff, 2011). Each of these holds important work for individuals struggling to see that they deserve to be happy.

Mindfulness

Thoughts of being undeserving can challenge our ability to be in the moment. Yet, even experiencing the present is an act toward self-compassion. This could be as simple as taking time to watch birds pick up twigs to build a nest. Thoughts of past mistakes or self-criticism might come up. A muscle can be trained to simply refocus on the here and now.

Common Humanity

Common humanity refers to what we all share as humans. Times of shame and guilt are near universal human experiences. Simply acknowledging that we are not alone in our imperfections or our suffering is a notion of self-compassion.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness encompasses a variety of actions that can take a million different forms, from an action of getting a yearly (or more frequent) dental exam to practicing compassionate self-talk. Self-kindness is treating ourselves as someone who does deserve happiness, even if we do not feel it yet. At times, the action of self-kindness comes before the cart of "feeling" deserving of happiness.

Often the work of self-compassion is best done in the company of others. Psychotherapy can provide a space to challenge unhelpful beliefs about ourselves and build up compassionate thoughts, experiences, and actions. Approaches like compassion focused therapy or mindful self-compassion zero in on the quality of self-compassion. Cognitive behavioral therapy can work on challenging negative core beliefs directly. In addition, trauma-focused therapies such as EMDR and cognitive processing therapy grant a pathway to examine the underlying traumatic experiences and heal those wounds.

In Conclusion

A belief of being undeserving of happiness is common for people experiencing depression. Such a belief is usually not rooted in objective facts but in traumatic experiences, negative messages, and emotional reasoning. Self-compassion can help. Psychotherapy, particularly compassion-focused therapy, or mindful self-compassion can also make a difference.