Are Algorithms Harming Our Relationships?

On an evening when I felt particularly irritated with someone, I opened my laptop and scrolled through my feed. I saw a video about toxic friends. I watched. Everything that it said seemed to match, in that moment, how I viewed this person's behavior. Fuming, I continued. I felt validated. Yet, validation turned to rumination; I brooded about their disrespect. I shut my laptop and went for a walk. Upon my return, I took a breath, releasing the person I felt anger toward. With a clear head, I could see the human in them and myself. I glanced down at my phone. Another video on toxic people. I passed.

Algorithms dictate much of our social interactions and the information that we receive in the modern day. This guidance can be helpful, feeding into interests/passions and connecting us to communities we otherwise would be unaware even existed. Still, there are ways that algorithms strengthen our natural tendencies toward things, like rumination and the desire to be right. In doing so, are algorithms also negatively impacting our relationships?

Despite being more connected than ever, increases in loneliness have been documented, particularly among adolescents (Twenge et al., 2021) and young adults (Buecker et al., 2021)—age brackets with high use of social media. Family relationships are in trouble, and rates of estrangement are at an all-time high. Sibling relationships have historically been our longest and sometimes closest lifetime relationships, yet a recent study found that 28% of individuals surveyed found themselves estranged from a sibling at some point in the six-year observation period (Hank and Steinbach, 2023). Rates of estrangement between adult children and their parents are also growing.

It should be acknowledged that, at times, these breaks are healthy and necessary, yet, as an aggregate, we are becoming more isolated.

A sense of belonging and community is key to mental health. It could be asked if the current calamities within relationships are contributing to the mental health crisis we are seeing now. Diagnosis of depression and the prevalence of death by suicide are also at all-time highs (Centers for Disease Control, 2024). These are concerning figures.

What follows are five ways that algorithms may be negatively affecting our relationships

1. Giving Us a Stronger Sense of Being Right

The content we are shown online, especially in passive platforms such as "Shorts" or "Reels," is guided by information that we have previously accessed. Algorithms often lead us to engage with media that reinforces what we already believe. Social psychology utilizes the word "confirmation bias" to describe the human tendency to seek out information that supports our conceptualization of the world. The more we spend time on something, the stronger that link gets, creating an echo chamber of our ideas. In relationships, conflict often falls on topics of "right" and "wrong," be it in terms of accuracy or morality. These gates can give us an illusion of our side being the only side.

2. Reinforcing Angry or Anxious Rumination

The more time we spend on a topic, the more algorithms suggest to us media about that topic. When we are stuck on something, we might seek out media that vindicates us in our "rightness," or otherwise propels how we are feeling at that moment. Rather than moving us to other material as we refresh, suggested material that mirrors what we've been accessing with liability to spin us into a spiral of rumination.

3. Closing Us to Alternative Viewpoints

During conflicts, opening our minds to others' perceptions and experiences is vital. Unfortunately, by reiterating what we have previously searched, algorithms magnify our views while minimizing others. In relationships, this can serve to strengthen the self-serving bias we already carry. In doing this, we may find ourselves deeper in our stances without the interruption of fresh angles. This is the exact opposite of what we need in relationships.

4. Guiding Us to Extremes

By showing us material that reflects our views, we are likely to gradually be moved toward more extreme versions of what we've already accessed. This can give us a sense that the popular view is one of polarization. In groups, this intensifies. We lead each other to increasing extremes and when faced with opposing ideas are likely to lock even stronger on our own. These extremes can make it harder to relate to others, particularly if they are not in our crowd.

5. Propagating Siloed Communities

By encouraging more extremes in thinking as well as utilizing information based on what others who viewed content we also spent time on, algorithms chaperone us to siloed communities, resulting in groupthink. Groupthink is a powerful force in psychology that locks communities into one way of thinking, which often becomes more extreme due to group polarization. These siloed communities keep us from getting close to people who do not think like us. It can also be dangerous. Scholars have suggested that groupthink within Nazi Germany, for example, perpetuated some of the tragedies within the Holocaust by blocking outside ideas.

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What We Can Do

So, what can we do? Here are three things to try if you are finding yourself swept up in the algorithms.

1. Take Breaks

It's healthy to unplug from technology from time to time. Even turning off notifications on your phone, or taking an intermission from specific aspects of social media, can give a refresher.

2. Ask Questions

When we ruminate, we tend to make assumptions. These can be assumptions about what others think, or what they think we think. Addressing conflict directly and testing these assumptions through questions can clarify reality. When we can ask directly, we can work through our disagreements.

3. Spend Time With Close Others Without Technology

Social media and other technology-based platforms can be an excellent way to connect with others. Yet, these are no replacement for in-person quality time. Scheduling some time to enjoy activities with close others in person, when possible, is a way to enhance the relationship.

In Conclusion

Technology has provided us with opportunities to connect as never before. Yet, there does appear to be some double edge to the sword. Algorithms may perpetuate challenging cognitive and social habits such as rumination and assumption. Taking time to unplug and refocus may improve our relationships.