Taking the Sex and Romance Out of Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day is almost here, and love is in the air – along with the scent of overpriced roses and the lingering aroma of high expectations for romance, connection, and passionate sex.

Overall, many adults have negative feelings about Valentine’s Day. One survey indicated that about a quarter of adults (23%) felt a mix of loneliness, disappointment, annoyance, stress, and nervousness on this supposedly romantic occasion (Thayer, 2018). Research from a sexual wellness brand, Love Honey, found that, even though Valentine’s Day is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year, only about a third of survey respondents said they actually celebrate Valentine’s Day by having sex. The survey also found that as many as 39% of respondents said sex isn’t something they do to celebrate this occasion. Findings from another survey by We-Vibe included that, while 88% of Americans believe Valentine's Day must be celebrated, 61% of them are annoyed by it and 63% are uncertain of what their partner's expectations are for the holiday. Furthermore, 56% of Americans are disappointed that past Valentine's Days haven’t lived up to their expectations.

If you or your partner fall within these statistics, and Valentine’s Day feels more like a minefield of expectations and pressure, consider trying the following suggestions this year:

If you are in a relationship:

Despite its focus on romantic love, Valentine’s Day can bring up anxiety, expectations, and pressure to perform on multiple levels for those in relationships.

1. Communicate expectations: Avoid the disaster of unmet expectations by discussing your plans with your partner. If your partner expects a sultry night in with lingerie, while you were looking forward to a fancy dinner out complete with flowers, you’re setting yourselves up for disaster. If you still want to have that element of spontaneity and surprise, provide your partner with a list of preferences and off-limits activities to spice up the surprise factor and keep things special.
2. Make Valentine’s Day a no-sex night celebration. Nothing shuts down connection and romance faster than obligatory, pressure-filled sexual intimacy. It may be counterintuitive, but if you both agree to a night filled with flirtation and foreplay that can’t end in orgasm, you may be surprised at how your desires flare.
3. Plan non-romantic/sexual activities: Express your love through actions, not just between the sheets. Make a list of the things you love about your partner. Tell them what you are grateful for. Surprise them with something special – finish a chore or task they hate doing or cook a special dessert for them.

If you are single:

For those not currently in a relationship, Valentine’s Day can be tough. So, instead of lamenting over your loneliness, flip the script and treat yourself like the royalty you are:

1. Treat yourself to something special: Indulge in self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Buy yourself flowers, read a book, pamper yourself at a spa, or treat yourself to a movie marathon on the couch. Who needs a significant other when you have the best company right at home – you!
2. Spend time with friends: Arrange a ladies’ night out, a game night at home, or an outing somewhere away from romantic atmospheres. Friends are the true MVPs of Valentine’s Day, anyway.
3. Create your own tradition: Redefine Valentine’s Day as a day of self-love. In addition to pampering yourself, make a list of your personal achievements and qualities you are most proud of.

If you are grieving:

For those dealing with grief from a breakup, infertility, health issues, or the death of a partner, Valentine’s Day may bring about unique challenges and raw emotions.

1. Get support: Loss of any kind during holidays can be an isolating experience. Seek support from friends, family, support groups or a professional who can provide comfort and understanding.
2. Create a ritual: Acknowledge your grief in a way that fits you best. Everyone grieves differently. For some, it can be comforting to light a candle and spend time alone or with close loved ones. For others, grieving may include gathering with friends to share memories of a loved one who has passed away or focusing on a new tradition that represents partnership instead of trouble conceiving.
3. Take a break from social media: Consider taking a break from social platforms focused on intimacy, sex, and love to avoid feeling pressured or overwhelmed by the flooding of romantic images.