The Pain of Mothering With Broken Family Ties

Parent and Child

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When Angela first came to see me for counseling, she was determined to “heal her past abuse” so that she could be a better mother to her daughter. Although many years have passed, I vividly remember the session when Angela declared that she had experienced child abuse and wanted to put her past behind her to raise her child differently than the way she was raised.

My clients and the women I interviewed for my book stated that they wished to be better parents to their children than their parents were to them, and that they had made a conscious decision not to treat their children the way they were treated. They all made a commitment to raise their child differently than they were raised.

Mothers with child-abuse histories express several challenges in mothering their children, including holding negative views of themselves as mothers, mental health concerns, struggles with discipline, managing multiple responsibilities associated with mothering, financial instability, and a lack of extended family supports.

Many mothers with histories of child abuse lack the support of an extended family network. The mothers I interviewed and the clients in my practice were afraid to expose their children to the same family members who physically and/or psychologically abused them as children. Mothers did not let their children have a relationship with their own perpetrator(s) and had strained relationships and limited contact with their extended families. They purported that family members were still actively using drugs or alcohol and had untreated mental illnesses. Mothers expressed regret that their children did not have the care of and contact with extended family, but the dysfunctional dynamics continued to exist in many of their families which made it difficult or impossible to spend time with or trust family members to care for their children. Therefore, they were unable to have ongoing and mutually supportive relationships.

My clients Zoë and Johanna feel their mothers were not protective and were emotionally unavailable to them as children and are still unable to offer safe and consistent support. As a result, they do not rely on them for emotional attention, advice, or assistance with caring for their children. Zoë stated: "I do not know my father and he left when I was only a child. So, in terms of extended family, it is only my mother. I would like to rely on her for help, but she puts me down more than supports me. She thinks that supporting me is telling me what is wrong with me and what I need to do differently with my child. I find my mother to be aggressive and a bit of a bully. She comes into my house, she is loud, and tries to take over. In her eyes, I do not seem to do anything right."

Johanna could not depend on her mother for consistent support because her mother is not mentally stable or reliable: "My mother suffers with bipolar disorder, and she does not take her medication consistently. She is not high functioning. Even though she says she loves my daughter, I would never leave my daughter alone with my mother. For weeks my mother will go into deep depressive states, and she will not answer the phone, eat, bathe, or get out of her t-shirt. During these times I worry that she will commit suicide. It is a huge burden for me. When I was younger my mother tried to commit suicide. I came home from school, and she had overdosed on her medications and slit her wrists. I came home from second grade to see my mother on the floor with a puddle of blood surrounding her. I called 911 and they revived her and took her to the psychiatric hospital. I temporarily went to foster care until my mother received treatment and the foster-care system decided it was safe for me to return home. During her current depressive episodes, I visit her to make sure she is alive, try to convince her to take her medication and eat, and to clean her apartment. She will be on the couch with the shades down and from her despondent state blames me for being alive and for calling 911 when I was six years old. It is exasperating. I am the one that should be mad! I would never leave my daughter with my mother, and she is not a support to me. If anything, I take care of my mother."

Many of my clients are raising their children without the involvement of their extended family. They say that the lack of connection and involvement from their extended family makes the experience of mothering more difficult. They feel isolated and guilty about their children’s lack of relationships with grandparents. aunts, uncles, and/or cousins. According to Angela: "When I had my daughter, I naively thought she wouldn’t need anyone but me in her life. I remember saying to a friend, how could my daughter miss something she never had. However, at age 5, when my daughter was in kindergarten, they had 'Take Your Grandparent to School Day' and my daughter did not have anyone to bring. It caused me pain because I saw the pain and confusion it caused my daughter. At that point, my daughter started to ask me about her grandparents. I did not know what to say and I was not prepared to handle her questions. I do not feel I can tell her the truth. What was I supposed to say, 'Your grandfather is an alcoholic, and your grandma cannot protect you and I know this because as much as she says she loves me and misses me she was unable to protect me'? I am very guilty and painfully sorry my daughter will never have a positive relationship with her grandparents."

Women with histories of child abuse report they experience the daily demands of mothering to be overwhelming and they find it very stressful to balance the tasks of managing home and work schedules with parenting responsibilities. They feel overwhelmed by the multiple tasks involved in caring for their children. They express that working full-time while managing household and mothering responsibilities leave them feeling overextended and limits the physical and emotional energy they desire to provide for their children. The lack of external family support compounds the challenges faced by many mothers who are isolated in their mothering roles. Marginalized relationships with extended family members increase the stressors associated with caregiving. To be supportive of mothers with histories of abuse it is important to foster positive relationships and offer authentic connections which are key elements in encouraging resiliency.