Betrayal Blindness: Not Seeing What’s Obvious

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During interviews and discussions with people who are estranged from family members, I’ve often recognized a specific pattern of behavior: Many don’t see what’s right in front of them – plain and obvious to anyone but themselves.

For years, they have been wearing blinders, refusing to see events or realities that may have threatened their sense of security or attachment in a relationship. As a result, they are blindsided by difficulties that develop from ignoring problematic behavior in the relationship. When they finally open their eyes and begin to examine the clues they overlooked, they find themselves in a state of shock, fear, anger and pain.

Some of the estranged have said:

• I never saw them behave this way before. How could I be so stupid?
• I knew I didn’t like certain things, but I thought that’s the way she is, and I won’t pay any attention to it.
• I guess I was kicking the can down the road. If I ignored the signs just a little longer, I could pretend things were okay and hope that I would eventually get the relationship I wanted.

Essentially, those quoted here have created a coping or survival mechanism in which they unconsciously filter information, preventing themselves from acknowledging troubling patterns and problems in their relationships. They simply don’t connect the dots. Instead, they look away or keep their blinders on to protect themselves from information that would create chaos, confusion, fear, and suffering. This allows them to sustain their bond with a crucial person whom they depend upon for physical and psychological safety.

What is betrayal blindness?

In the past, this type of behavior has been labeled as “denial.” But recent research on attachment, affect regulation, and the mind-body connection has revealed a more complex foundational purpose underlying these behaviors. Researcher Dr. Jennifer Freyd, Professor Emerta of Psychology at the University of Oregon and the founder of the Center for Institutional Courage, has studied the question: “What would make us literally not see and not know that which is easily seeable and knowable?”

She has coined the concept of “betrayal blindness” to describe the specific state of denial some people stay in after being betrayed. This typically happens, Freyd says, “when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being.” It's a deception that is not fully recognized because, as Freyd puts it, “attachment trumps betrayal detection.”

Betrayal blindness commonly occurs in intense, intimate relationships where an individual derives a sense of identity or belonging, such as a marriage, partnership, parent/child, or sibling relationship. Women experience betrayal blindness more often than men. They rotate through perceptions, Freyd explains – at times completely aware of the betrayal, and at other times seemingly oblivious, as they think, behave, even genuinely feel as if they aren't aware of what their betrayer is doing.

“The core idea is that forgetting and unawareness help the abuse victim to survive,” Freyd writes. “The theory draws on two facts about our nature as social beings and our dependence and reliance on others. First, we are extremely vulnerable in infancy, which gives rise to a powerful attachment system. Second, we have a constant need to make 'social contracts' with other people in order to get our needs met. This has led to the development of a powerful cheater-detector system. These two aspects of our humanity serve us well, but when the person we are dependent on is also the person betraying us, our two standard responses to trouble conflict with each other."

Freyd explains that betrayal blindness is possible because of the complexity and cleverness of the human brain; it adapts to all kinds of challenging circumstances. This adaptation of awareness, she says, allows an individual to be in “the dual state of simultaneously knowing and not knowing something important.” She believes this behavior is a form of the freeze response. An individual goes numb, learning to ignore the inner warning system that prompts them to pay attention to troubling or damaging behavior. Without that awareness, an individual continues in the relationship as if it were safe, never confronting the loved one or withdrawing from the relationship.

Short-term benefits may result from betrayal blindness, but when endured over time, the state can take a terrible toll on an individual’s mental and physical health. Suppressing observations and remaining unaware take effort. Consequently, behavior blindness can become toxic, often becoming an unrecognized cause of unexplained depression, anxiety, and health problems.

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How to heal from betrayal blindness

Dr. Michelle Mays, founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Relational Recover and the author of The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurt You the Worst says that it’s possible to heal from betrayal blindness, but it requires:

• A safe, supportive relationship
• A willingness to stand up to injustice and betrayal
• A willingness to claim one’s truth
• A willingness to risk relationships that may appear superficially adequate but are actually toxic.

Dr. Mays treats people with betrayal blindness by bringing awareness of the pattern into consciousness. Towards that goal, she asks her clients these questions:

• If I were to face this issue, then what would I have to feel? What would change for me?
• What scares me about it?
• What would I potentially lose?
• What support do I need around me to be able to look at and face the reality of my situation?
• What will help me feel strong enough and grounded enough to look at the issues I’ve been avoiding?

Betrayal blindness may stabilize an unreliable relationship, but stability comes at a high price: forfeiting an individual's fundamental honesty and authenticity. A better alternative is to confront, explore, and come to understand the betrayal; see what (if anything) can be salvaged in the relationship, and go on to live a freer, healthier life.