Sharing Your Egg or Sperm Donor Story with Others...Or Not

It is commonly known that if you use donor conception to build your family, it’s best to tell your child early and often. But what about telling other people?

Many people begin their family-building journeys with hope and excitement. Unfortunately, this enthusiasm may become tarnished if infertility is part of the experience. In either case, it’s common to share your feelings and plans with friends and family.

Most people assume that others will respond the way you would expect them to respond, but that is not always the case, and these interactions may become more difficult over time. Here are a few “what if’s” to ponder.

1. What if you are tired of reporting every disappointment and you are worried about a possible failed attempt or pregnancy loss and multiple requests to rehash the details?

2. What if you are using donor conception, and decide that you don’t want to share every detail about your donor? Or, you are concerned that Aunt Millie will tell her friends and they will forever greet you and your future child with strange looks?

3. What if your grandmother is proud of her Greek heritage and learning that you used donor conception will cause her to lose sleep knowing there is no one to carry on the family bloodline?

4. What if you are part of a queer couple and people ask, “Who is the real parent”, or refer to the donor as the mom or the dad, or assume the child will be musical because the genetically linked parent or donor is musical? This could leave the other parent feeling invisible and can create expectations for the child that may not come to fruition.

We think ahead about our careers, where we want to live, and the type of person we want to marry. Yet when it takes effort to build a family, it can feel so consuming that it may be difficult to stop to consider how your choices can affect you later.

Families are made in many ways. Every situation is different, and the relationships between couples, friends, families, and communities vary greatly. Everyone needs to be thoughtful about what is right for them and their unique circumstances.

Here are some questions to ask yourself: Am I the sort of person who likes telling the world everything, or am I more private? Who are the people closest to me? Are they “old fashioned” or do they have cultural or religious backgrounds that may affect how they see my family?

Dealing with intrusive friends and family can present a challenge as you are beginning your family-building journey, but as time progresses, there will be more and more new people who come into your life, and many will have questions and opinions they want to share. The teacher, class parent, Girl Scout Troop leader, and soccer coach, may all have different ways of interacting with you and your child.

At some point, your donor conception information will be the child’s information to share or not to share. Until then, you and your partner need to decide how you want to handle these situations. You could say, “we are a two-mom family”, “there is no dad in the picture,” or “we believe our child’s genetic information is theirs to share, or not share.” You could also decide to educate everyone you meet.

This quandary can be framed as a decision between privacy vs. secrecy. Feelings of shame are typically part of secrecy, whereas everyone is entitled to their privacy. If you feel shame about how you created your family then it is important to discuss this with a qualified mental health professional. Your child needs to know from the words you speak and the feelings they sense that you embrace the way your family is built and feel good about their donor. If you are not there, then doing the work to get there is essential. This will be your issue to resolve and you do not want your child to be affected by it.

Privacy means different things to different people. Perhaps one person feels comfortable sharing the fact that they used a donor to conceive, but does not want to share who that donor is, or details about that person. Someone else may decide to discuss it with family, but not the neighbors.

Think about how you feel, and plan for it. Getting caught off guard can cause you to react in a way that you may regret, or that your partner does not feel comfortable with. If you spend some time thinking this through early in your journey, or as early as possible, you may be able to minimize many stressors down the road.