4 Major Life Struggles Caused by Childhood Emotional Neglect

Do you have trouble trusting yourself, often questioning your abilities?

Do you struggle with your sense of worthiness?

Do you feel inferior to others, viewing yourself as less than?

Do you feel like you don’t truly know yourself?

If you’re answering yes to the questions above, you may lack self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-knowledge. Even if you think you know exactly what these four terms mean, it's important to consider their differences and to understand exactly how they come about in a person's life.

At the start of my career as a clinical psychologist, I was baffled to see wonderful people failing to notice the wonderful things about themselves. Now, with more than 20 years in the field, it’s clear to me why so many people can’t see themselves clearly and accurately.

It’s due, in large part, to childhood emotional neglect.

Childhood Emotional Neglect

Childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents fail to respond to your emotions enough as they raise you. Your emotions are the most personal, biological expression of who you are as a human being. They hold the real and true parts of yourself … parts that your parents are supposed to see, validate, and value as they raise you.

So, when your parents emotionally neglect you, even if, overall, they have the best of intentions, they miss out on knowing the real you. And you miss out on that, too, because your parents are your mirrors. They are there to notice you—all of your preferences, likes, dislikes, passions, weaknesses, and gifts—and reflect them back to you.

In short, it is our parents who teach us who we are, and they do this by paying attention to our emotions, which are a reflection of our deepest selves. When they notice and respond to our feelings, they teach us to do the same: to feel, recognize, and honor our feelings; to value our inner selves; and to know and trust our feelings and ourselves.

If your parents fall short in this area, you grow up vulnerable to low self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-knowledge.

4 People Who Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect

Self-Confidence: Abigail

Abigail is in the women’s bathroom, feeling nauseous and shaky minutes before she’s about to lead a training session for her company. She’s been anxious about this for the past couple of weeks and can’t believe the day is finally here. Around the office, Abigail appears knowledgeable and put-together, but she desperately fears her colleagues will find out that’s anything but the truth. “What if I mess up? What if they ask questions I can’t answer? How did I even get this training role in the first place? I feel like a fraud …” Abigail thinks to herself.

Because Abigail is out of touch with her inner self, she is not able to trust herself. So she often doubts herself and questions her skills and talents. As long as Abigail doesn’t believe in herself, her anxiety will persist.

Self-Worth: Jesse

It’s almost time for Jesse to leave for his friend’s get-together. It’s a gathering of friends and neighbors, all people he likes. Jesse knows it would be good for him to see his friends tonight, but a dark, anxious feeling comes over him. He cancels, a part of him unsettled with his decision to bail. He spends his night zoned out on the couch, wishing he didn’t feel so terrible.

The feeling that came over Jesse is a deep-seated sense that he is not deserving of good friends and fun experiences. It’s a feeling that comes over him occasionally with no warning. Because Jesse’s feelings weren’t treated as important by his parents, he now doesn’t treat himself as important.

Self-Esteem: Gretchen

Gretchen is at a Mommy & Me class sitting with a group of women while their children play. They’re all discussing their parenting routines along with the latest toys they purchased for their children. Gretchen puts her head down, hoping no one will force her into the conversation. “They all know so much more than me …” Gretchen thinks to herself. She stays quiet, internally critiquing her mothering abilities.

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When Gretchen’s parents essentially ignored her feelings as a child, she received the message that her feelings, an expression of her deepest self, were inferior or flawed. Now, at this moment, Gretchen actually does have mothering stories and ideas to share, but because she feels “less than” in general and as a mom, she’s holding herself back.

Self-Knowledge: Kurt

Kurt’s on a third date with a woman he’s very interested in. At dinner, he asks his date quite a few questions and, finally, she says, “I want to know more about you. Tell me some things you’re good at.” Kurt clams up and has trouble thinking of anything to say. “What am I good at?” Kurt thinks to himself. He truly isn’t sure.

When, as a child, Kurt looked into his parents’ eyes, he did not see himself reflected there. His emotionally absent parents were not able to “see” him on a deep level or feed that information back to him. Now, he doesn’t know basic information about himself. He struggles to identify his abilities and skills, likes and dislikes, wants and needs, and shortcomings and weaknesses.

The 4 Problems and How to Heal

1. Self-Confidence: Abigail could go a long way by beginning to pay more attention to herself. She has all the skills she needs to do her job, and she would realize that if she tuned into herself more.
2. Self-Worth: To address low self-worth, start to address the core beliefs you have about yourself and where they come from… then create a new belief system to start living by. Understand the role childhood emotional neglect has played in the lack of value you have for yourself and your emotions.
3. Self-Esteem: Having low self-esteem comes with that voice inside your head reminding you that you’re not good enough. You live life disempowered and don’t believe in yourself. A way to work on self-esteem? Identify and challenge your negative self-talk. Take inventory of your strengths and brainstorm ways to take your power back.
4. Self-Knowledge: To increase your self-knowledge, you must increase your self-awareness. Start paying more attention to your feelings, wants, needs, desires, likes, and dislikes on a daily basis. To learn about yourself, simply pay attention.

Moving Forward

Just like psychiatrist Dan Siegel says, you have to be able to “name it to tame it.” If you can identify what you’re dealing with, whether it be self-confidence, self-worth, self-esteem, or self-knowledge, you then have the power to manage it.

Healing from any of these four life problems means healing from your childhood emotional neglect. When you tune into your emotions, paying attention to yourself and your feelings, you give yourself what you didn’t get in childhood and lay the groundwork for a confident, worthy, self-aware you—the “you” you were always meant to be.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

Facebook/LinkedIn image: Grusho Anna/Shutterstock