Six Steps for Parents of Students in an Abusive Relationship

Nadya and her high school boyfriend were college freshmen attending different schools and would visit each other every few weekends. Nadya started to wonder if she wanted to continue in this long-distance relationship. She found her boyfriend visiting more often and without giving her a warning. He would show up at the library where she studied with friends and insist she spend time with him. If he saw her with male friends, he would ask if she was cheating on him.

Nadya would break up with him every few months but get back together after he apologized profusely and said he would no longer be possessive. Each time they met he would express anger over a picture he saw on Instagram showing her with friends or the fact she was out late, which he could see by tracking her on her phone. At first, he would yell at her and berate her, but he started to grab her and throw her to the ground in a rage. Her friends and family begged her to end the relationship, but she said she could not as he said he would kill himself if she left him. Finally, she was convinced to break up after she found out he had given her an STD, as he had been cheating on her. She cut off contact; by then he was preoccupied by with a new girlfriend. She blocked him on social media and texted him not to contact her again or she would call the campus police.

Toxic Relationships in the College Years

Relationship abuse comes in many forms. Data from a 2011 survey of college students shows high levels of abuse, with 36 percent of college students reporting having experienced some kind of abuse in a dating relationship. According to this survey, the most common kinds of abuse include controlling behaviors, verbal abuse, technology abuse (such as stalking), and physical or sexual abuse. According to the spring 2023 National College Health Association survey of college students, in the previous year, 10 percent of students were verbally abused by partners, 3 percent were physically abused, 6 percent reported their partner tried to limit contact with family or friends, and 5 percent were sexually abused. Women were more likely than men to be abused by a partner, but I’ve seen many men experience abuse. Twelve percent of college students report that relationships with partners negatively affected schoolwork.

Verbal abuse is very serious and can escalate to physical abuse, as it did with Nadya. A partner might say, you are worthless, no one will love you the way I love you, and you can’t live without me. If you even think about leaving, I will hurt or kill you. I’ve seen students need emergency room care after being attacked by a partner, and still go back to the partner, even when friends and family encourage them not to. Abusers are master manipulators. Some students may stay in toxic relationships for a few years, but with the involvement of friends or family as well as a therapist, they often get out of these painful situations. Parents can take steps to help.

Steps Parents Can Take

1. Point out red flags. I’ve listed some examples of abuse, and you can find additional information on the Domestic Violence Hotline.

2. Affirm your child’s strengths and let them know they are wonderful people who deserve love and respect.

3. Do not blame your child. They are victims.

4. Encourage your child to see a therapist. They may not want to talk with you about the relationship but will feel more open with a third party. When your child is ready to break up, they can work with the therapist on a safety plan. Leaving an abusive relationship poses risks and a plan must be developed to promote your child’s well-being.

5. Recommend your child call the campus police and victim advocate if they are being stalked electronically or in person.

6. Encourage your child to have relationships outside of the abusive one. It may be easier to leave if your child has others to turn to.

Viktor Frankl, in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning,” describes finding meaning in life through love and work. These are both important components of a young person’s happiness. While we can guide a student with academic difficulties to meet with their advisor or find a tutor, it is more challenging to advise students in matters of the heart. However, we can teach our children about healthy relationships, and intervene if we see our students entering toxic ones. While we cannot force our children to end a relationship, we can note the red flags we see and provide ongoing emotional support.

©2023 Marcia Morris, all rights reserved. Details have been altered to protect patient privacy.