Sadness and Joy: Managing the Transition to an Empty Nest

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The boxes and suitcases were unpacked. The dorm room decorated. The requests for weekly phone calls or, at the very least, proof of life texts several times a week (and each morning on the weekends!) was given. The goodbye was hard. The drive home, bittersweet. As you return to your now empty nest the questions begin—Who am I now? What do I do with all my time? What are we (my spouse) going to say and do with each other?

After decades of centering your children, orbiting around their schedules, and being there physically and emotionally the abruptness of having a newly childfree home can be discomfiting. For some, children leaving home highlights the distance that grew during the parenting years and culminates in both spouses starting a new journey, separately.

For others, it’s a time of renewal and reprioritization for themselves and their relationship. Research by Professors Mary Nagy and Jennifer Theiss revealed several positive changes couples experienced during the transition to empty nest, including increased couple time, communication, and privacy.

In spite of the positives, the transition to empty nest also presented challenges. Parents grappled with uncertainties surrounding their identity and role in relation to themselves and their spouse. One mother, for instance, questioned who she was now that she wasn’t a full-time mom and husbands often wondered if they would be “enough” for their wives now that the kids were gone. Empty nesters also worried about being “bored and lonely” without children in the house, but simultaneously struggled with feeling like they were forced to spend time with their spouse and felt guilty if they wanted to engage in independent activities.

Finally, empty nesters had concerns about their relationship. Couples wondered if they would return to their “original” relationship or if they would even stay together, one spouse noted “I wondered would we stay together, would the relationship be stronger?”

Below are tips to help you and your spouse traverse the transition to empty nest:

1) Communicate: It may seem obvious, but many couples often avoid direct conversations about difficult issues or uncertainties to protect their relationship, avoid conflict, or not hurt their partner’s feelings. For instance, you may feel like you are implying you don’t like being with your spouse if you say you miss your child. So instead of saying something possibly hurtful, you hold it in. Instead of shutting down when you are missing your child or feeling unmoored when there is no Saturday morning soccer game to attend, let your partner know. Remember, your partner is going through this transition too and they are experiencing thoughts and emotions about this change. Talking to each other can create a shared understanding and help validate your feelings by knowing that you’re not alone.

2) Provide support: When you are on the receiving end of disclosures from your partner it’s important to check-in and ask what sort of support they desire. Do they want a solution? Or comfort? Simply saying, “thank you so much for sharing with me, sweetie. Would you like me to just continue listening or do you want my advice?” can go a long way.

Also, don’t immediately jump in and try to make the sad feeling go away or distract them. Dismissing your partner’s feelings through distraction can make them feel like they’re not being heard or that their feelings don’t matter. You also don’t want to douse your spouse with toxic positivity, “Don’t be sad that they’re gone, be happy we had them in the house for 18 years!” Allowing your partner to complain or share negative emotions without putting a positive spin on it helps validate their experience and provide support.

3) Accept both/and-ness: The transition to empty nest is exhilarating and saddening. It ignites both new possibilities and questions. It creates freedom and a sense of loss. This transition point is full of both/and-ness and it’s important to acknowledge and embrace that. Although you may be thrilled to have regular date nights with your partner, you can simultaneously miss family move nights.

The more you are able to accept the both/and-ness of this phase of life the more understanding you can be with yourself and your partner when you experience seemingly opposing emotions as you navigate this transition.

4) Get to know yourself: For many parents, your own interests, desires, relationship, and even identity can take a backseat during the parenting years. As a result, you may lose touch with yourself and your spouse. Who am I? What do I like to do? Now is the time to learn about you the person not the parent. Take time to reflect on what types of activities ignite your passion, provide you comfort, or challenge you intellectually. Explore local classes and lectures in the area to see what you are drawn to. This is also an opportunity to meet new friends or reconnect with old ones by inviting them along.

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5) Reaffirm and redesign your marriage: Even though you’ve spent years co-parenting with your spouse, when the nest is empty you may look across the dinner table and think to yourself “Who is this person?” and “What is our marriage all about?” These uncertainties are common and provide you with an opportunity to rediscover, reaffirm, and redesign your marriage.

Just like you’ve evolved your spouse has too, so get to know them again as a person not a parent. You’re not going to get to know each other simply sitting on the couch scrolling through your phones or watching TV, you need to make a concerted effort. Go on dates, whatever that means to you—dinner, a walk, playing board games. In fact, games can be a great way to get reacquainted with your partner, especially games that are question or storytelling focused. Games such as We’re Not Really Strangers (Couples Edition) or games created by relationship therapists such the Gottmans or Esther Perel provide great prompts that can help you and spouse tell stories, express your thoughts and desires, and get reacquainted.

Although uncertainty can make you (and your partner) feel anxious, it is also an opportunity to reaffirm your relationship. Simple statements that let your partner know that you love having this time with them now or there is no one you would rather go through this transition with can help ease the fear that they are “not enough” now that the kids are gone and bring you closer.

While you are reacquainting yourselves and reaffirming your relationship, now is a great time to redesign the future. The marriage you began the day you said your vows is not the same marriage today. Now that you are entering a new stage in life it’s time to reflect on where you’ve been and reevaluate where you want to go. Maybe you both always dreamed of a lake house in retirement, is that still true or would you both rather travel more? Have you decided you want to try to retire earlier than originally thought? Now is the time to create and nurture the marriage you want for the people you are now not the people you were 20 plus years ago.