A Holiday In-Law Survival Guide

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The holiday season is in full swing, and many will be spending time with family this week, including in-laws. Although in-laws can be a great source of joy and support, spending extended time with them, sometimes in close quarters, is not without its challenges—simple comments and questions may be interpreted as criticism, uncertainty about how to adapt traditions and rituals may lead to excluding folks, and differences in values and beliefs may feel amplified when someone makes a cringe-worthy comment. As a result, many in-laws go into the holiday filled with dread or thinking that they just need to “grin and bear it.” However, the solution doesn’t have to be so cut and dried. In fact, heading into holiday gatherings with a few tools in your (and your partner’s) pocket can help you navigate them with ease.

Shift how you view your in-law’s behavior by putting on rose-colored glasses.

Whether it’s based on past experiences (with your family of origin or current in-laws) or media representations, we often have negative expectations for our in-law’s behavior. In other words, we expect the worse. As a result, we often misinterpret our in-law’s intentions and make negative attributions. For instance, if your mother-in-law says, “Wow, that’s a lot of presents for little Susie! Lucky girl!” You may interpret that as a sarcastic comment criticizing your parenting. However, your mother-in-law could very well just be making an observation and noting that her grandchild is, indeed, very lucky.

During the holiday season, it might be helpful to put on rose-colored glasses and view your in-law’s behavior in a more positive light. Instead of knee-jerk reactions or judgments, take a moment and reflect on how you would want your in-law to interpret the same behavior or comment if you did or said it. We tend to make more generous and positive attributions about our own behavior so extend that goodwill to your in-law. Instead of thinking that your son-in-law is mad at you because he was short with you in the kitchen, put yourself in his shoes and think, “I bet he was a little testy because he has a house full of guests and was taking something hot out of the oven; it was nothing personal.” This small shift in perspective can make a world of difference.

If rose-colored glasses aren’t doing the trick, avoidance can help.

Yes, open communication and authenticity are integral to successful relationships, but sometimes it’s OK to engage in avoidance. In fact, in-laws frequently avoid topics to protect their relationship and their privacy or to avoid conflict. Repeatedly relying on avoidance and not dealing with underlying relationship issues isn’t good in the long run but can help during holiday gatherings. Avoidance can be implicit and indirect, such as changing the subject or making a joke, to explicit and direct, “I’d prefer not to talk about that.” It’s often best to start gently and use indirect avoidance strategies. Most folks will get the hint and drop the subject. However, if they don’t, you may have to be blunt and let your in-law know this topic is a no-go.

For instance, if your in-laws ask, “So, when are you going to make us grandparents?” during dinner, you can raise your champagne flute and jokingly say, “By the looks of it, not anytime soon, Joe!” and change the subject. If they don’t drop the issue, you (or your spouse) can be blunt and say, “We don’t want to talk about this, so please stop asking.” Often it’s best that adult children speak to their own parents using “we” language, but if you feel comfortable talking to your in-law directly, go for it! Just be sure that your spouse backs you up.

Although rose-colored glasses and avoidance can be helpful, especially for behaviors or comments that are low stakes, this doesn’t mean you have to let bad behavior slide.

Establish boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable behavior or communication.

You don’t have to deal with bad or toxic behavior because that’s “just how so-and-so is” or “the way things have always been,” and confronting behavior doesn’t have to ruin the holiday. One strategy, the “three strikes rule,” allows you to establish a boundary and communicate consequences of repeated boundary infractions. It’s important, however, that you and your partner discuss your boundaries and consequences as part of your holiday game plan ahead of time so you are both on the same page.

First, let your in-law know that their behavior or comment isn’t acceptable, and you would appreciate it if they stopped. Then let them know your consequence, or what you intend to do if they continue, such as leave the event, ask them to leave, or not return to celebrate with them next year. Often, this is enough to nip the behavior or comment in the bud. However, if they do it a second time, remind them of your boundary and consequences. And, if for some reason, they do it a third time, follow through on the consequence.

For instance, perhaps your in-law makes a comment about the amount of food your child is eating throughout the day. At the first comment, you (or your spouse) can pull your in-law aside and say, “We don’t appreciate you commenting on Joey’s eating habits, it’s not appropriate to shame him like that, and if you continue to do it, we’ll have to leave before dinner.” If your in-law comments again, gently remind them of your boundary and consequence, “I know we would all like to stay for dinner, but as we said earlier, if you keep making these comments, we’ll have to leave.” If your in-law violates the boundary a third time, even if it’s at the dinner table, it’s time to follow through. Calmly remind your in-law of your boundary and that you are following through on the consequence you outlined, “Thank you for preparing this wonderful meal, but as we told you twice today, we won’t tolerate those type of comments and are going to head out now.” Setting and sticking to a boundary is important for individual and relational well-being. If you have children, they will see a wonderful model for self-advocacy and constructive communication.

It can be daunting to confront uncomfortable in-law behavior at the holidays, but having a toolbox of strategies can help make your holiday season merry and bright!