Gray Divorce: Managing Uncertainty After Parental Divorce

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Divorce. By middle age, you likely know several friends who have gone through one and perhaps you, too, have navigated the painful waters of a marriage dissolving. Yet, the one relationship we often don’t expect to end in divorce during this time period is our parents’ marriage. But gray divorce, divorce between those 50 years of age and older, is the fastest growing divorce demographic. Increased lifespans and loosening taboos surrounding divorce are empowering the 50-plus age bracket to exit stale marriages and start their third act single.

Although the divorcees may feel liberated and emboldened by their new single status, the same can’t always be said for their adult children. Some argue that gray divorce doesn’t upset adult children as they are mostly launched from the family home and are embarking on their own adult journeys including career, marriage, and parenthood. However, my own research reveals that adult children have a difficult time coming to terms with the end of their parents’ marriage and, by all accounts, their family of origin as they know it.

Changes to the Parent–Child Relationship

In fact, adult children of divorce (ACOD) grapple with myriad uncertainties, or questions, about how to recalibrate their family relationships and identity following gray divorce. For instance, ACOD experience questions about changes to the parent–child relationship and struggle with their new role in a post–parental divorce world. Given their adult status, many parents view their adult children as friends or confidants and share unwanted information about the divorce, the other parent, or their new romantic relationships.

Additionally, adult children question if their relationship with their fathers will be as strong. Women tend to perform “kin-keeping” roles in family systems, and, for many adult children, especially when they were out of the house, their relationship with their dad was facilitated through their mom. As a result of divorce, ACOD are uncertain about how to maintain their relationship with their father. ACOD also struggle with “feeling caught” between their parents. Just like adolescents, ACOD can feel stuck in the middle and like they need to choose sides in the divorce.

Divorce-Related Uncertainty

ACOD also wrestle with divorce-related uncertainty. Many question the reason for divorce, although they simultaneously don’t want to know, especially if it casts one parent in a negative light, as well as the timing of the divorce. There tend to be two camps when it comes to timing, those who saw the writing on the wall throughout childhood and are upset their parents didn’t divorce when they were younger and those who are blindsided.

Blindsided ACOD report rarely seeing their parents argue and that they had no clue their marriage was in trouble. This group tends to grapple with more questions about family identity in the wake of gray divorce. Specifically, they wonder “Who were we?” and “Who are we?” Parents’ gray divorce makes ACOD question their family identity, second-guessing the past and being unsure of the future. In one particularly poignant interview, a participant questioned the legitimacy of his family life and memories growing up, going as far as to ask “Was it all smoke and mirrors?” a question that encapsulates the traumatic nature of gray divorce for adult children.

Finally, gray divorce impacts adult children’s view of romantic relationships and commitment. Several participants noted that their parents’ divorce made them start to question their own romantic relationships, wondering “What’s the point?” if even their own parents would get divorced after 20+ years of marriage. Single participants noted it made them second-guess starting new relationships and colored their view of marriage in general.

5 Tips for Managing Doubts

So how do you manage these doubts following parental gray divorce? Here are five tips:

1. Set boundaries: Communicate with your parents about what information you do or do not want to know. If your parent starts to talk negatively about your other parent or discloses divorce-related information you deem inappropriate, change the subject or remind them you are their child, not their friend, and you would prefer to keep these topics off limit.
2. Develop new routines: If you’re worried you may lose contact with one parent now that they no longer live under the same roof, work together to develop new routines. Select a date and time for a weekly phone call or visit. Text one another throughout the day or week to keep each other looped in to day-to-day life.
3. State your needs: Relatedly, if you want your parent to be the one to reach out or you need them to comfort you, tell them. Parents aren’t mind readers. Your dad or mom may be keeping their distance because they might think you are upset with them for the divorce. Let them know what you need from them so they can best support you during this transition.
4. Reframe your family identity: Even if your parents were unhappy with their marriage during your childhood, it doesn’t take away from the fact that they loved you and, hopefully, created loving memories. It’s understandable to question the past, but the present divorce doesn’t negate previous happy memories. Instead of thinking of the divorce as the end of your family, think of it as an opportunity to redefine your family identity and relationships. Like your parents, you’ve grown, too, and may require different needs from your parents. This presents an opportunity for all members to renegotiate their roles in and rules for their relationships with one another.
5. Confront commitment hesitancy: It’s understandable that after watching your parents’ marriage dissolve you question whether yours will go the distance. Talk to your partner about your concerns. Let them know your worries, and develop a strategy for reassuring one another as well as communicating before problems get too big to resolve. An individual therapist or couples' counselor can help you work through commitment issues and develop strategies for when relational doubts creep in.