The Potentially Harmful Downside of #BoyMom Culture

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You’ve probably heard the phrase or seen the hashtag #boymom circulating on social media. On its surface, it doesn’t seem problematic; it’s simply a way of identifying and connecting with other moms who have sons and all that may entail. However, when you dig deeper, you find aspects of #boymom culture that are, unfortunately, harmful and set the stage for dysfunctional family relationships.

A quick look at Instagram or TikTok and you’ll easily find hundreds, if not thousands, of memes and reels about #boymom culture, ranging from moms saying that being a #boymom is like enduring the longest break-up of your life or reels of #boymoms crying and throwing tantrums at the thought of their sons, who are currently babies or adolescents, getting married one day.

As a mom of a son and as a researcher who studies family dynamics, including in-law relationships, I understand both personally and professionally how bittersweet it is to see your children grow up, leave the nest, and start their own families. Although we love to see our children flourish, we also miss those days when we were our kid’s whole world—and that’s OK. We can feel both happiness and a twinge of sadness when our kids grow up. Acknowledging the duality of life and the mixed emotions that come with it are very different than what is happening for some who embrace #boymom culture.

Even in jest, #boymom culture can create a toxic family environment and set the stage for a troubling dynamic among moms, adult sons, and their wives for three reasons:

1. The #boymom content I see on social media romanticizes a familial relationship and puts sons in an inappropriate role. Whether it’s referring to sons as “boyfriends” or talking about how a son’s growing up is like being broken up with, these aspects of #boymom culture put sons in the role of romantic partner rather than child. It’s not surprising, then, that moms who view their bond with their sons like this eventually come to see their son’s wife as the “enemy” or “other woman” out to “steal her man.”

2. Relatedly, viewing a daughter-in-law as the “other woman” sets up negative expectations for the in-law relationship from the start. Often, when we go into an experience expecting the worst, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, meaning we behave in certain ways based on our beliefs, and then, lo and behold, our beliefs come true because of how we acted.

For example, if a mother-in-law thinks her daughter-in-law is “stealing” her son from her, she may act jealous and possessive and exclude her daughter-in-law from events and conversations. As a result, her son and daughter-in-law may set a boundary around this inappropriate behavior and pull away from the mother-in-law. Now her son spends less time with her, and she thinks, See, I was right, she took him from me, rather than realizing that her actions caused the distance.

3. Positioning sons as romantic partners puts inappropriate pressure on them to prioritize their moms over their wives. As a result, sons may “feel caught” between their moms and their wives. Moms that test their sons’ loyalty to them prevent their adult sons from completing developmentally appropriate tasks such as separating from the family of origin and creating their own family unit. Making sons feel guilty for prioritizing their wives will create a fraught relationship with adult sons and their spouses and likely lead to emotional distance, the exact opposite of what most parents and #boymoms want.

So how do we ensure that #boymom culture doesn’t negatively impact our relationships with our sons and daughters-in-law?

1. Recognize that your son’s love for his wife does not undermine or minimize his love for you or his relationship with you. It is not an either-or scenario. Your son can (and does) love both of you but in very different ways.
2. Accept that you are no longer your son’s first priority. Again, this doesn’t mean you aren’t a priority; it simply means his top priority will be (and should be) his wife and their family.
3. View your daughter-in-law as an addition to your family, not competition.
4. Create a strong relationship with your daughter-in-law. Fostering a bond with your daughter-in-law is a critical step in maintaining a relationship with your adult son and grandchildren. Women are often socialized to be the “kin keepers” in families. As a result, they are often the ones in charge of the social calendar. If you make an effort to create and sustain a loving relationship with your daughter-in-law, she is more likely to go out of her way to make plans with you and your family. Additionally, a son who sees his family, especially his mom, making an effort with his wife will likely be more vocal in wanting to maintain a connection with them. Further, creating a strong bond with your daughter-in-law will also help you maintain a connection with your grandchildren. Thus, being kind to your daughter-in-law is important for the whole family system.
5. Be the mother-in-law you would want (or wanted). Did your MIL make it hard for you to create your own family identity or traditions? Did she purposefully exclude you from events and conversations? Did she make your husband feel like he always had to choose sides? If so, do the opposite of that!

Being a mother to a son is a wonderful experience, but subscribing to the more toxic notions of #boymom culture is detrimental to your own well-being and the relational well-being of the parent-adult child bond and relationships within the larger family system. Supporting your son as he develops his own family and accepting your daughter-in-law into the family fold is one of the greatest gifts a #boymom can give her son.

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For more insight on managing in-law relationships follow me on Instagram or TikTok @dr.sylviamikuckienyart

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