How to Hold Onto a Strong Sibling Relationship

This post was co-written by Dawn O. Braithwaite, Ph.D. and Kaitlin Phillips, Ph.D.

What do you think about when you consider your siblings, if you have them? Eighty percent of children under 18 live with at least one sibling, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Siblings may range from warm and close relationships across the lifespan to relationships fraught with ambivalence or other characteristics that run counter to well-being.

What Makes Sibling Relationships Unique?

Siblings may be biological, legal (e.g., adoptive), cohabiting (e.g., stepfamily), voluntary or chosen kin. Siblings are often our longest-lasting relationship over our lives. These are the people who understand and share many of our life experiences. Siblings move from involuntary to voluntary in adulthood. In the early years, most siblings have no choice but to interact. Maintaining the relationship in adulthood is a choice and takes effort.

Siblings share some of the characteristics of friendships without some of the same limitations on expectations. Friends may do or say things that might not be tolerated, while most often we expect sibling relationships to persist through challenges and tough times. Siblings are each unique and these relationships are ever-changing, even within the same family.

Siblings often experience competition growing up (think about “sibling rivalry”). The joy and pain in these relationships vary considerably, as does the amount and quality of communication. Sibling relationships change as we grow and age, for example, when we need to care for aging parents. Sibling relationships and communication are not one size fits all.

Confirming Communication and Maintaining Sibling Relationships

Researchers have identified a variety of ways siblings can take an active role in establishing and building quality interactions and relationships. Kaitlin and Paul Schrodt stress the importance of siblings communicating in confirming ways, and this also helps them reduce competition for affection and resources, especially from their parents. All long-term relationships require intentional efforts to help each other feel worthwhile, maintain, and even repair the relationship when needed.

Communication researcher Scott Myers discusses five approaches to keep quality sibling relationships together: (a) positivity, (b) openness, (c) assurances, (d) networks, and (e) tasks. Each offers a different way to communicate and reinforce the value of our siblings:

Positivity is the act of communicating in an affirmative way, for example calling, texting, or sending photos to highlight something uplifting, rather than only contacting a sister or brother with bad news or to vent.

Openness is the process of sharing personal information with a sibling or asking them to talk with you about their perspective, which will often lead to ongoing sharing. It will be important to gauge what the sibling is willing and able to hear and to make sure you are on the same page regarding confidentiality.

Assurances involve communicating and taking actions to remind a sibling and ourselves of the importance of brothers and sisters. It is easy to take siblings for granted as we just expect they will be there. Communication researcher Christy Rittenour and colleagues stress appreciating the value of affectionate communication among siblings, which helps to grow commitment in these relationships.

Networks encompass the people we have in common, including other family members or shared friendships. Siblings can reach out and connect each other to network members who can help provide local support when siblings are not close by, or who can be another source of lightness and fun in life.

Tasks focus on actions and shared responsibility such as organizing birthday celebrations, making or buying gifts, or providing care for aging parents.

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Weathering Challenges in Sibling Relationships

Most of us experience positive sibling relationships. However, siblings can bring challenges or pain, for instance, conflicts over political or religious differences, competition, jealousy, alcohol or drug abuse, physical or mental health illness, or estrangement. These challenges will require intentional efforts to try to repair the relationship, if that is possible. In addition, Elizabeth Dorrance Hall and Samantha Shebib found that a set of especially close sibling relationships may threaten bonds with other siblings.

We would be remiss if we did not say that not all sibling relationships can be, or should be, close or even be maintained. There may be times in life to pull back from sibling relationships if they are negative or harmful. This does not mean negative sibling relationships cannot be repaired in the future. We recognize this will take motivation and effort.

Communication Strategies for Keeping Siblings Together

Below we highlight some communication strategies that can positively influence the quality of sibling relationships. This list is suggestive rather than exhaustive, meaning our goal is to give you some ideas to consider. What is most important is to think about your sibling as an individual. Each strategy is an opportunity to reconnect with our siblings and show them how much we value and care about them:

• Send a note (a letter, card, text, video) to express appreciation and affection.
• Organize family photos and/or videos and make copies for your sibling.
• Plan a gift tailored toward your sibling (and your budget).
• Complete a helpful task for your sibling.
• Plan an outing your sibling would enjoy.
• Plan an evening with opportunities to tell meaningful stories.
• Make a social media post featuring a favorite memory with your sibling.
• Ask your sibling questions and give the gift of listening.
• Contact your sibling just to say you love them.

These are just a few suggestions to help remind your sibling how important they are in your life. Researchers have found that efforts to maintain sibling relations have positive health benefits for you as well. We understand some of these actions might be outside your comfort zone and sometimes that fact alone makes them more meaningful to your sibling.

Dr. Kaitlin Phillips is a communication scholar at Baylor University who studies sibling communication.

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