A Reflection on Self-Love

Original Art by Ralph Verano used with permission

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” —Nisargadatta Maharaj

As a psychotherapist I have been intrigued by the growing interest in the rather rare disorder of narcissistic personality disorder. A Google search of the word returns 200,000,000 results.

It seems that everywhere you look you will find articles on how to identify if you work for a narcissist, have married one, or are raising one. There are even online tests you can take to determine if you are in the 1% of the population that carries this diagnosis.

In my decades of practice, I have never given this diagnosis and have only ever met one or two people who would qualify. The belief that narcissists are hiding around every corner has more to do with misconceptions of the diagnosis and a cultural turn toward cynical and judgmental attitudes toward those who are different.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-5-TR), to receive a diagnosis of this personality disorder a person must meet at least five of the following criteria:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance.
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions.
• A need for excessive admiration.
• A sense of entitlement.
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior.
• A lack of empathy.
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her.
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.

The above is a far cry from the armchair diagnoses of “He is just so full of himself.”

I fear that when complex psychological states enter the mainstream as casually assigned labels misunderstanding leads to harmful responses. There are suggestions that raising children to praise themselves and engage in acts of self-compassion will lead to a narcissistic culture in which individualism trumps the good of the social network. If this does not worry you, it should. In an age of over-correction, it’s not hard to imagine that crushing someone’s self-esteem will be seen as “doing them a favor”; even cruder, “wiping that self-indulgent smile off your face” could come to be seen as an act of kindness. It’s not far-fetched to imagine a pharmaceutical company jumping on the bandwagon and pushing a “feel bad about yourself” pill as a countermeasure to an imagined state of egomania.

My professional experience working with thousands of clients is not that they think too highly of themselves but that they suffer from self-loathing. This devaluing of self is so entrenched that they will not “allow” themselves to feel better as they are convinced they do not deserve freedom from suffering. Whether due to abuse, bullying, or ritualistic dehumanization, my work across the spectrum of clients, from leaders of industries to the homeless, is evidence that what is lacking is not a realistic opinion of ourselves; instead, we too often allow others to define how we think and feel about ourselves.

One must wonder what the driving force is behind the warning bells that we are heading toward a time when everyone will “suffer” from high self-esteem and go around believing in their own self-worth. It’s beyond ironic that in an age when people, including children, can have their self-esteem lowered to the point of suicidal ideation, there are concerns about what could be an instinctual reflex to fend off these assaults through self-love.

The search for narcissists among us almost takes on a “Red Scare” vibe; based on irrational fears and misinformation, such “witch hunts” seem to be woven into our national psyche, seemingly fueled by a need to feel superior to those deemed different. The danger in spreading the word that self-love is creating a society of toxic individuals who only think of themselves is that a culture already ripe with self-righteous anger, discrimination, and hatred will turn even more virulent.

To avoid the inevitable all-or-nothing thinking that seeks simple solutions to complex issues, it’s important to note the concept of “adaptive narcissism” that psychologists report is related to psychological health and resilience. Psychologist Heinz Kohut postulated that narcissism was a healthy and normal part of development and “neither pathological nor obnoxious” Such a balanced approach benefits both those who have been mislabeled as narcissists and, perhaps more importantly, those who actually live with the diagnosis.

After 40 years as a mental health practitioner, it’s been my experience that field has lingered too long in a pathology-based, “what’s wrong with us?” framework. The current spotlight on the purported rise of narcissism runs the risk of becoming a blinding light of distraction rather than illuminating our true ailments.

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We owe it to this generation and those that follow to approach the topic of self-worth and its myriad of manifestations with care and prudence so as to not allow someone else’s high opinion of themselves to become a cudgel used to disabuse another of theirs.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.