5 Things to Know Before Calling Someone a Narcissist

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Narcissism is a popular topic. It seems everyone has it these days or knows someone who does. While Taylor Swift helped popularize the concept of covert narcissism in her hit song, “Anti-Hero,” Google searches for the term began to escalate in 2015 and quadrupled in 2017 after a steady hover between 2004-2014.

I take note that a popular presidential election may have contributed to that 2017 spike.

Still, the frenzied search for narcissism continued to grow and has since jumped 25% higher in 2023. Swift’s “Anti-Hero" was released at the end of 2022 and has remained at a steady high. There are also more than 100 podcasts about narcissism. I gave up counting after 120; there could be hundreds more.

Interestingly the searches for "forgiveness" have hovered above "narcissism" since 2004 and then suddenly surpassed "narcissism" more than 75% for a couple of months in 2022 but have fallen below "narcissism" since August of 2023. If this was a horse race, narcissism has displayed a burst of speed and outpaced forgiveness to the point of it being a hands-down win.

I’m sure narcissists are loving the attention.

Still, the challenge is that people are diagnosing and pathologizing others without fully understanding the ramifications or nuances that emanate from psychological labels. Of course, I understand that we, as humans, are problem-solvers. We seek to understand and categorize so that we can make informed decisions and protect ourselves. It is a natural part of the human experience.

When faced with confusing behavior that does not fit in with our paradigm, we try to identify and label it. Because this response is amplified when we are hurt by someone we love or someone we depend on, we have even greater risks of subjectivity and biased conclusions. Therefore, please consider these five things before you jump to calling someone a narcissist.

1. If the person in question previously showed emotional warmth and displayed reciprocal interest and care in the relationship yet now acts emotionally cold after a breakup, it may be a new boundary they are enforcing and not necessarily narcissism.
2. Another thing to know is that relationship struggles can inflate polarized defenses in each partner, leaving each partner to feel duped that the person they fell in love with was a mirage. Sadly, a lot of problems can occur in a couple when they become important to each other. Learning how to self-soothe and reciprocally repair is how healthy relationships form. Some people have not learned these skills.
3. The person in question could also have substance abuse issues, which can hijack a person. Alcohol, drugs, and other addictive behaviors can rewire the brain and transform the personality. Fortunately, getting help can create tremendous healing and restoration.
4. There are other differential diagnoses to consider. Even the best-trained professionals consult with other trained professionals and are extremely cautious when giving a diagnosis. Not to mention the medical professional uses the diagnosis to help treat and not vilify.
5. There is a concept called projection that is worth considering. Projection is when we see a trait in others that we cannot see in ourselves. The “you spot it, you got it” phenomenon. Of course, we are living in a consumer-driven, narcissistic culture with constant communication and public exposure, so it behooves everyone to do a narcissistic self-check. Like addiction, the modern world can rewire the brain and compete with the development of healthy emotionally supportive people. Or as Nietzche wisely cautioned, “Be careful when fighting the monster, lest you become one.”

To identify narcissism, it helps to understand there is a difference between narcissistic characteristics and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Every human has a level of selfishness and narcissistic behavior. Ideally, the goal is to grow in self-awareness, compassion, balance, and learn how to cultivate healthy reciprocal relationships.

If a person is genuinely grandiose; lacks in empathy; requires excessive admiration; displays jealousy and entitlement; only associates with the special or high-status people and places; is preoccupied with fantasies of ideal love, beauty, brilliance, power, success; shows off all of their achievements; AND is interpersonally exploitive then the person might have NPD.

My advice is to create a healthy boundary and beware when obsessively reading about their traits because it might reinforce narcissistic supply behaviors (e.g., addiction to the narcissist). Instead, focus on your part, what you’ve learned, how you can improve your emotional health and behavior—and hopefully find forgiveness in your heart.