Ten Strategies for Maintaining Multi-Partner Relationships

To those in Western cultures, interest in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships, like polyamory, seems to have exploded in recent years. However, such multi-partner relationships are not new. Evidence suggests that low levels of polygyny have been part of the tapestry of human mating for a long time, recently suppressed in the West following the development of strict monogamy.

By their nature, CNM relationships can be incredibly complex. Couples’ therapists highlight the impact of poor communication on marital strife in couples. Add one person (or more) into the mix, and the opportunities for miscommunication and hurt feelings increase exponentially. What’s more, CNM relationships pose challenges not faced by those in monogamous relationships, including the risk of pathogen transmission and rivalry between partners over the attention of one another.

Yet, many people find themselves in happy CNM arrangements, and those tend to share some things in common. They have practices or strategies in place to ensure good communication, overcome challenges, and reduce risk.

CNM Best Practices

To date, there has been no formal cataloging of such strategies or evaluation of their effectiveness—until now. As part of a huge international effort, we recently recruited a large sample of those in CNM relationships (N = 429, including polyamory, open relationships, and swinging). While the publication of our research is forthcoming, I can share an exclusive look at some provisional findings today on Darwin Does Dating.

In the research, we asked participants to describe the challenges they experience when pursuing multiple concurrent romantic partners. We had them write down five of the most effective (and least effective) practices for resolving these challenges. Ten different strategies emerged, which could act as “best practice” for those interested in maintaining healthy CNM relationships (and might even apply to those in monogamous ones).

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1. Exclusivity Agreements

CNM couples often engage in open and honest communication regarding their exclusivity preferences. Those prioritizing exclusivity tend to discuss their boundaries and expectations with their partners, fostering transparency and trust.

2. Disclosure of Extra-Pair Attraction

Transparency is a cornerstone of CNM relationships, and it extends to disclosing extra-pair attractions. Partners who practice this tend to openly communicate their attraction to other individuals to their partner(s), promoting honesty and integrity within the relationship.

3. Compersion

Compersion refers to finding pleasure in a partner's intimate interactions with others (“He’s your type. You should go for it.”). Those who embrace compersion experience joy and fulfillment when their partner explores connections outside the primary relationship, fostering a supportive and emotionally enriching dynamic.

4. Jealousy Regulation

Effective communication about jealousy is essential for maintaining harmony in CNM relationships. Getting those feelings out in the open can allow one’s partner to provide reassurance. Partners who feel comfortable discussing their insecurities, fears, and concerns regarding jealousy contribute to a supportive and understanding environment.

5. Partner Hierarchy

CNM couples may vary in their approach to partner hierarchy, with some preferring rigidly structured relationships and others embracing egalitarianism among partners. Those prioritizing partner hierarchy establish clear boundaries and expectations, ensuring clarity and stability within the relationship dynamic. This can be particularly useful when someone has a primary long-term partner and opens short-term liaisons with others.

6. Sexual Health Maintenance

Maintaining sexual health is paramount in CNM relationships, requiring proactive measures to prevent disease and unwanted pregnancy. Partners who prioritize sexual health take precautions such as regular testing, practicing safe sex, and discussing boundaries with new partners.

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7. Shared Extra-Pair Sexuality

Some CNM couples choose to include their partners in sexual activities with others, fostering intimacy and connection within the primary relationship and reducing polyamorous “FOMO"—fear of missing out. Those who prioritize shared extra-pair sexuality embrace exploration and adventure, strengthening their bond through shared experiences.

8. Childcare Management

Dividing up childcare between two people can be enough of a challenge. However, for long-term CNM couples who are parents, sharing childcare responsibilities requires another level of coordination and cooperation. Those prioritizing childcare management involve all partners in parenting duties, fostering a sense of family and unity.

9. Reputation Management

Navigating social perceptions and expectations is crucial for CNM couples, influencing disclosure and public visibility decisions. Those who prioritize reputation management may choose to be discreet about their relationship structure, minimizing potential judgement or stigma from external sources but potentially generating a sense of shame not found among those who are open about, well, being open.

10. Resource Distribution Among Partners

Balancing resources such as time, money, and attention is essential for maintaining harmony in CNM relationships. Partners who prioritize resource distribution consider the needs and priorities of all individuals involved, fostering equity and fairness within the partnership.

What Works?

We have also followed up on these practices, looking at their associations with positive relationship outcomes like sexual satisfaction, investment, and nurturance in a larger sample (N = 1178). We found positive relationships with most things, with the most effective strategies being jealousy regulation and shared sexual experiences. Interestingly, those with a clearer partner hierarchy and less reputation management seemed happier—though these effects were much smaller and with some inconsistency across measures of relationship satisfaction.

Insights for Monogamous Relationships

While the research focused on consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships, the insights gleaned might benefit those practicing monogamy. Open and honest communication, transparency, and prioritizing the well-being of all partners are foundational principles that apply across relationship structures. Monogamous couples can learn from CNM couples' emphasis on discussing boundaries and managing jealousy to strengthen their partnerships.

By adopting a mindset of mutual respect, understanding, and flexibility, monogamous couples can navigate challenges more effectively and foster greater intimacy and connection in their relationships. Ultimately, successful relationships, regardless of structure, thrive on trust and clear, open communication.