Traumatic Attachment and Parental Alienation

Parental alienation occurs “when a child’s resistance or hostility towards one parent is not justified and is the result of psychological manipulation by the other parent.” [1] The concept has a murky reputation. “Parental alienation syndrome” was identified in the 1980s by Richard Gardner, who testified in hundreds of custody cases on behalf of fathers accused of sexually abusing their children, claiming that the mothers' accusations were unfounded and motivated by malice. Gardner concluded that a child would need “threat therapy” to cure them of their distorted beliefs. [2]

It is now accepted that many abusive parents were able to succeed in custody battles against a non-offending parent. Indeed, parental alienation has been described as “junk science” and has repeatedly been denied inclusion by the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual (the DSM-V)—but it is not a useless concept. Understanding its common features and egregious effects could go a long way toward protecting children, both in and out of family court.

Characteristics of a Parental Alienator

An alienating parent is likely to be an abusive partner or former partner, denigrating and marginalizing the other parent. Alienating narratives will abound: “She hates me/wants to ruin me” or, “She’s incapable of understanding you/managing things/meeting your needs,” or, “She’s devious/dishonest/unstable.” Normal ups and downs of parental behaviour that go with enforcing rules and the limits of human patience are fit into these alienating narratives, often taking on the appearance of regret and sympathy for the deficits of the other parent. A firm voice, for example, is labelled "shouting" and a financial concern seen as "proof she can't manage anything."

The love a child has for a parent is intimately linked to trust. This lends power to any parental story, but the negative and threatening perspective of the alienating parent has a special weight. What is being said by one parent against the other is nearly unthinkable, but also unignorable. The only resolution, for the child, is to distrust themself—their love, their trust, their sense of comfort and belonging. The alienating parent alienates a child from themself.

We can think of self-alienation as step one in a victim’s experience of parental alienation. Once that is “achieved,” the abusive parent’s control increases. (Step two.) With the cord of trust linking the child to the non-offending parent broken, the child becomes dependent on the abusive parent’s perspective. Separated from their own heart, they cling to the abusive parent for safety and direction.

Step three is to solidify the child’s preference for the abusive parent. The transition from the abusive to the non-abusive parent fills the child-victim with anxiety. Away from parental control, they feel utterly at sea. Who will tell them the “real” story? Who will save them from the dangers they have been unable to see? Who will protect them from their profound and abiding love for the other parent? As these questions flood the child’s divided mind, the abusive parent has the “evidence” he needs: The child victim actually prefers being in the abusive parent’s custody.

Why resisting parental alienation is so difficult

A child initially resists the alienating narratives. But abusive people rarely give up on their alienating mission. They exert tactical charm and are adept at representing themselves as reasonable—and they give apparently reasonable explanations of others’ flaws. It is likely that everyone in the abuser’s circle buys into their stories – indeed, anyone who does not accept the abuser’s version is cast out of their circle. As long as the child is in their company and custody, they are unlikely to find support or resonance for their positive and warm feelings toward the other parent.

Once the child is a captive audience, the abuser’s attacks on the other parent ramp up. Denigration turns into contempt and warnings of danger: "She's unstable/Her life is a mess/She isn't good for you." If a child challenges the abuser’s views, either directly or indirectly, with expressions of admiration and affection for the other parent, the abusive parent is dismissive. Sometimes the rebuttal is disguised as tolerance—“She’s your mother; of course you defend her"—but sometimes it emerges as contempt: "You’ve really been brainwashed.” It is now clear to the child-victim that resistance puts their relationship with the abusive parent at risk. Now that the abusive parent is their only “good” parent, that risk is terrifying.

Rescuing the child

Essential to the child’s recovery is regular and reasonably extended contact with the non-offending parent. This is precisely what the alienating parent wants to avoid, and precisely what a court must ensure. Only when that bond is re-secured will the traumatic self-alienation inflicted by the alienating parent be resolved.