When Stigma Meets Grief

What do you think of when you think about grief? If you are like most, the death of a loved one may be the first thing that comes to mind. While grief is one of the most complex phenomena in life, grievers often experience isolation, disconnection, and lack of support from their community. This leads us to the concept of disenfranchised grief, a term coined by Kenneth J. Doka, which describes grief processes that are not widely acknowledged, valued, or treated with the same care. This lack of recognition leaves the grieving individual even more isolated, lacking essential emotional support crucial for healing and maintaining a good quality of life. Disenfranchised grief includes loss of a pet, divorce, break-ups, endings of friendships, chronic pain, illness, perinatal losses, job loss, acute injury, systemic oppression, marginalization, discrimination, social ostracism, social alienation, and more. These examples of grief are not granted the patience, support, and empathy that accompany other types of loss.

While the neurological impact of grief is significant for everyone, it is particularly significant for those affected by intergenerational trauma and oppression on systemic, social, and transgenerational levels. Grief is not just an external experience; it is also a physiological one. Attachment theory helps us understand this more deeply.

Grounded in an organism's engagement, attunement, and mutual responsiveness, secure attachment fosters synchronicity and co-regulation, promoting the formation of a neural network capable of autonomous regulation and self-soothing. In other words, by cultivating a living organism’s ability to connect with the world around them through safe relationships, the organism (human and nonhuman), is better able to regulate, self-soothe, and exercise healthy forms of connection.

Invalidation of a person’s right to grieve and of their narrative about the loss or pain experienced can cause the griever to feel a sense of instability with the world and relationships. Because attachment styles are not fixed but malleable through environment and circumstance, ruptures in relationships and lack of support during periods of grief can challenge a person’s ability to feel safe, connected, accepted, and stable.

Despite the overwhelming impact of disenfranchised grief on individuals' lives and relationships, there is support.

How to Support the Self and Others Experiencing Disenfranchised Grief

1. Self-acknowledgment: Like most things, acknowledgment is the first step. Because of the stigma associated with disenfranchised grief, most people experiencing it deny themselves the opportunity to grieve in the ways they need to. This leads to further shame, self-blame, guilt, and more grief, in turn. When we let ourselves feel our feelings, we can begin a process of healing. One of the most radical things you can do in the face of adversity is to be there for yourself.

Here is one exercise to assist you in doing so, using techniques from Internal Family Systems: Draw or journal about the part in you called “grief.” As if “grief” were its own being, create a persona for “grief.” Is “grief” small, big, colorful, angry, welcoming, sad, etc.? Create a fully realized being. Then, begin exploring how you feel toward this being called “grief.” Without judgment, observe your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and present emotions that arise. If you are feeling safe to do so, let “grief” know you see them and feel them.

Once the exercise is complete, engage in some ways you can bring yourself back into feeling grounded and present. Taking a shower, mindfully drinking water, talking to a person you trust, and movement, if you are able, are all great ways to find grounding after an exercise like this.

2. Granting yourself the time and permission to feel however you may be feeling: When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel sad, angry, or hurt? When was the last time you really let yourself feel pleasure? It is one thing to acknowledge you are having a feeling and another to really give yourself permission to feel. The difference between the two is that permission grants space. By inviting in the process, you are practicing acceptance with your parts that are grieving. By turning toward the grief and giving it space, you are more able to create the kind of secure attachment within yourself to feel safe and stable as you navigate hardship.

3. Taking care of your body: Taking care of your body looks different for everyone. Social media has capitalized on what it means to take care of yourself, creating more shame for folks whose ways of taking care of the self aren’t regimented routines that cost hundreds—this is never how “taking care of yourself” should have to look. Sometimes taking care of your body looks like lying in bed and watching a show you enjoy. Sometimes it does look like eating healthy, drinking lots of water, and keeping up with exercise. Other times, it means calling a friend, putting your phone away for the day, and spending time alone at home.

4. Seeking support from community: Vulnerability can be an offering for connection. Seeking community support can feel difficult. Asking for help is not always easy. Invite yourself to be surprised by who may be willing to listen and support you.

5. Group therapy and support groups: It is always helpful to process with people who really understand. There is a wide variety of support groups, and there may be one you feel resonates with you the most. Similar to finding a therapist, sometimes the first person you meet does not feel like the right fit. If one group did not work for you, try another! Some groups are led by therapists and others are led by members of the group. If you are hesitant to try a group, there is usually someone you can contact first to ask questions.

Grief Essential Reads

Can Children Grow as a Result of Loss?

When Children Lose a Loved One

6. Finding materials about disenfranchised grief (books, podcasts, etc.): Have you ever picked up a book and felt like you were reading yourself off the page? It sticks with you. Like support groups, finding material that resonates with your experience can be a huge support. Podcasts, books, blogs, and other types of media can offer validating information, shared experiences, and the latest research, and may help you to feel less alone.

7. Creating your own rituals, ceremonies, and routines for processing the loss/grief being experienced: Spirituality can offer deepening insight and a sense of place/belonging during times of grief as well as throughout a person’s life. Spirituality can look like connecting with nature, practicing mindfulness, and bringing intention to everyday activities. Some find benefit from creating altars; lighting candles; keeping meaningful objects like rocks, crystals, and pictures; engaging in movement rituals; and more.

8. Grief journaling and art: For some, processing through writing feels best. There are many resources out there that offer worksheets and prompts to help with processing grief. If words do not feel like a natural form of expression, or you would like to try other means for processing, art is an amazing way to externalize the internal. Taking the thoughts and emotions that you are holding within and putting them out into the world is a way of releasing what is holding you down.

9. Advocating for yourself and others: Advocating to get your needs met invites others to do the same. Whether it’s talking to others about the meaning of disenfranchised grief, speaking to your experience, or expressing feelings, you help people in understanding, empathizing, and sharing their own stories of disenfranchised grief.

10. Finding a therapist you connect with: Working with a therapist can offer the support, connectivity, and validation that many experiencing disenfranchised grief do not receive from their communities alone. Make sure the therapist you are working with feels like a good fit. You have a right to supportive, validating care.