From Self-Rejection to Self-Love

You know those sayings like "love is the answer" and "love makes the world go round"? Let's get real: While we're all about wanting to love and be loved, loving ourselves can sometimes feel like trying to catch a unicorn. You might've tried to be all gentle with yourself, to appreciate your good bits and stare into the mirror whispering, "I love myself," but more often than not, it feels more fake than a reality TV show.

To love someone, we need to establish a relationship grounded in trust, respect, adoration, and the desire to care for that person. So, how do we build such a relationship with ourselves? Well, let's dive into four steps that may make learning to love yourself a bit easier.

Step one: Accept. The first step toward creating more self-love is to identify and then stop the behavior that undermines its foundation—self-acceptance. Ever catch yourself being your own worst critic? While you are the most patient and tolerant friend and partner, you judge yourself for everything, from your waistline to your bank balance.

Next time you're about to lay into yourself, stop and ask whether you would treat your best friend like that. Probably not. So, give yourself a break and remind yourself that accepting your quirks and imperfections is the bridge to peace and happiness. Once you are there, you can always choose to change and improve yourself and your life, not out of shame, blame, and insecurity but rather from a place of self-worth and love.

Step two: Explore. Do you often feel like you're just scratching the surface of who you really are? Trust me, the journey to self-discovery is a lifelong adventure. And the best fuel for great discoveries is curiosity, which a study has shown is also a remedy for self-aggression (Kashdan TB, 2013).

A client told me recently that she finally realized why she had such a hard time loving herself and attracting love into her life. As long as she could remember, she considered being fun, bubbly, and pretty her main assets. This was what people seemed to appreciate most about her. However, there was a deeper and more sensitive side, which she neither dared to show to others nor wanted to pay attention to herself. It wasn’t until she was struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety that she realized her struggles came from the fact that she had always denied herself to be “multi-dimensional” and not just a perky bundle of energy.

As she started to explore and embrace more of her other aspects by doing things that she ordinarily would have judged as boring or embarrassing, such as meditating, spending time in nature, or just hanging out with her parents, she noticed how much calmer and at peace she started to feel with herself.

Recognize that your perception of yourself may be limited and distorted by your desire to get approval, fit in, or at least avoid rejection. Then, become curious to connect with those precious parts of you that may have been hidden or dormant in the past.

Step three: Appreciate. Don’t you find it easier to compliment others than yourself? In my case, this had to do with my parents frequently killing the buzz of excitement when I came home with an excellent report card by cautioning me: “Don’t show off and don’t feel too good about yourself; be humble. Otherwise, you may become arrogant, and nobody likes that.” My interpretation of this message was that making yourself smaller and being insecure gets you more friends than confidence, which I soon learned the hard way wasn’t true.

Unfortunately, self-appreciation is a highly underdeveloped skill for most of us, not only because we may have been discouraged. Since we generally put more stock in the opinions of others than in our own, self-appreciation seems like a self-indulgent waste of time.

But to dismantle self-loathing and build your confidence, your trust in yourself, and your love for yourself, you need to acknowledge the gift and blessing you are. A study demonstrated that listening to a short recording of self-love and appreciation significantly reduces anger (Tzvieli A, 2017). So, every night, jot down or record on your phone three things you appreciate about yourself: your killer sense of humor, your creativity in ordering a sandwich, or your knack for finding beauty in the everyday. Pay attention to the qualities you usually take for granted and realize they are integral to what makes you a unique and brilliant human being.

Step four: Attend and Indulge. We're all guilty of putting our own needs on the back burner. I can’t tell how often my days were so packed that I forgot to eat lunch, drink enough water, or get some fresh air. While being too busy is a common excuse, when building a more loving relationship with yourself, there should be almost nothing more important than noticing and attending to your basic needs.

However, as in every healthy and flourishing relationship, don't just settle for the bare minimum; spoil yourself occasionally. Treat yourself to those fancy raspberries or hit snooze when you feel extra cozy. Get pampered in a spa or just sit on the couch and read a book rather than spend weekends on house projects. Self-love also means taking care of yourself like you would of your favorite person in the world.

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There's no one-size-fits-all guide to loving yourself, but these steps are a solid start. So go ahead, open up your heart to the person you spend every waking moment with—you.