Do You Do Too Much for Your Adult Child?

Parents often express to me a sense of befuddlement when it comes to their young adult’s hesitancy to take on certain basic grown-up responsibilities.

While some measure of financial support is often still required of them, many mothers and fathers also find themselves in the position of providing “administrative” support, such as making medical appointments, filling out college financial-aid forms or work-related tax returns, assisting with the course-registration process for an upcoming semester, or staying on top of auto-insurance policy renewals.

Most share with me a certain measure of ambivalence when it comes to this kind of maintenance. Some will tell me that they really don’t mind being of service in this way, justifying their behavior with (often legitimate) arguments such as, “I want her to be able to focus on college without having to worry about anything else” or “He’s got plenty on his plate already now that he’s started working, I certainly don’t mind giving him a hand and making things a little easier for him.”

Others express frustration, lapsing into (just as legitimate) sentiments such as, “When I was her age, I was already taking care of this kind of thing by myself” or “I don’t understand why he still expects me to help out when it comes to things he should be able to do by himself” or “If she always relies on me to do this, how will she ever learn how to do it herself?”

One way or another, though, it is important for parents to gradually find ways to detach, and to cede age-appropriate responsibilities to their young adults because a fundamental source of adult self-respect is being able to manage adult responsibilities independently.

This “weaning” process does not have to be sudden, dramatic, hostile, or judgmental (even if there has been a buildup of exasperation on the parents' part). In fact, it can commence, and eventually gather momentum, with a basic conversation.

To get this conversation started, I often encourage parents and their young-adult children to lay out on paper, or on a spreadsheet, a chart entitled “Who Is Responsible For What."

This chart can be as simple as three columns labeled, “What Parents Are Responsible For”, “What I Am Responsible For” and “What Responsibilities Are Still Shared Between Us”.

Families can fill the chart out together, noting what went into each column a year ago, what goes into each column now, and how they believe the chart should look a year or two from now.

This process automatically reminds both generations that family life is an evolution, and that the sharing of responsibilities can (and should) be a fluid process, one that changes over time.

Sometimes, just as when it comes to budgeting, the very act of documenting behavior lays the groundwork for changed behavior.

Remember that to get to where you want to go, you need to first figure out where you are. This kind of collaborative family dialogue can quickly help all of you locate your psychological coordinates and prepare to travel forward toward new horizons.