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Key points
- If the goal is to climax during sex, this can lead to disappointment.
- Not everyone achieves a climax during sex. That doesn't mean something is wrong.
- Instead of focusing on the result, focus on the process, or all of the sensations and emotions.
Consider a hypothetical couple, Jenna and Brad, who have been together for two years. They love each other and want to get married and build a life together.
Recently, they have been having problems in the bedroom. Neither of them has been able to climax during sex, which has caused them a great deal of stress. They have searched for tips and tricks to help them achieve orgasm and have been diligently implementing them. None have worked, and the stress associated with what they view as a problem has carried through to their relationship, leading to distance and disappointment.
Jenna and Brad are having goal-oriented sex, the goal here being to climax. This can be problematic because they are not in the moment and are not enjoying the experience. Instead, they are focused on an outcome they may or may not achieve. Additionally, after the first few instances of having sex without climaxing, they created a stress-producing loop in which the mere thought of having sex triggers an anxiety response, further complicating their ability to orgasm.
Goal-oriented sex is not realistic. A 2016 study by Frederick, St. John, Garcia, and Lloyd demonstrated a clear orgasm gap. They studied over 52,000 people and found that heterosexual men were most likely to indicate that they usually had an orgasm during sex (95 percent), and heterosexual women were the least likely to orgasm during sex (65 percent). Not all people climax during sex. That is okay. That is normal.
Be Present
Instead of focusing on the result, it is important to focus on the process, or all of the sensations and emotional experiences taking place during sex. Being present and in the moment reduces anxiety, removes expectations, and allows you to connect with your partner. This is known as sensate focusing, a technique that shares many similarities to mindful awareness exercises and was developed by sexual behavior pioneers William Masters and Virginia Johnson. The goal of this approach is to focus on touch (both touching and being touched) and taking in information from the senses while being present in the experience. Jenna and Brad should focus on how they feel when with one another. Even better if they are able to verbalize their feelings and let their partner in on their experience. This also assists in educating your partner as to what feels good and what isn’t as pleasurable.
Redefine Sex
It is also helpful to reframe what you consider as part of your experience of physical intimacy. The act of sex need not and should not be all that intimacy is. Any act in which you turn toward your partner to build or strengthen a connection can help create emotional intimacy. Foreplay begins long before sex does. A flirty text or exchange can be part of intimacy. Sharing your desires can build intimacy. Creating closeness is also part of intimacy. Jenna and Brad can focus on all the events leading up to sex and their overall sense of connection when evaluating their satisfaction. This reframes their thoughts about the experience and will bring them closer together.
References
Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(1), 273-288.
