Verified by 
We've certainly come a long way societally since the days of President Bill Clinton, who famously denied having sex with Monica Lewinsky—i.e., no intercourse—back in the 90s. I see new couples weekly who are coming in because one of the partners has had an emotional affair. The hurt, loss of trust, and grief are just as devastating as sexual affairs.
Sometimes the emotional affair is clearly a full-blown affair—with "I love you" text messages—minus sex. Other times, the couple starts by arguing over whose reality is right. Is it an emotional affair or "talking to a good friend?"
I think of emotional affairs as moving along a continuum. You have lunch with a good friend and complain about your relationship, or you both do. Usually, you are probably talking about things that you have not said to your partners in the same way and would be hurtful to them if they were sitting alongside you.
But emotional affairs are not just about complaining about frustrations but also about intimacy—it is the depth of the conversation, the sharing of intimate details that would embarrass or feel like a violation to the partner, that creates the intimacy of an emotional affair. Sure, individual therapy sessions are intimate in their own way, but they are one-sided: The therapist isn't talking about his or her woes to you. Emotional affairs always begin as two-sided—each person is leaning on the other; they usually have similar problems and find support and validation and bonding in this sharing.
As you move down the emotional-affair continuum, the range of topics expand; each person emotionally leans on the other more. There are more lunches and/or lunches move out of less public places. Texting throughout the day increases, there is more focus on the other, you look forward to seeing them, they fill more of your thoughts, you rearrange your schedule to see and talk to them. The emotional side of an emotional affair is taking hold.
And with this usually comes secrecy—not mentioning those lunches with your partner, deleting texts. This is a big red flag and symptom, and what often comes with this is pangs of guilt. But you move ahead anyway. This is a crucial time in the development of an affair: The secrecy and guilt are indicators you know you are doing something that if your partner knew about it would hurt him or her, but you continue anyway. This relationship and your feelings about it have taken priority over the one with your partner.
Some folks are able to put on the brakes at this point and end it or at least pull it back. Others don't and go until they caught.
Emotional affairs are, like most relationship problems, bad solutions to other problems—individual ones, relationship ones, and usually a combination of both. Here are some questions to help you begin to put a potential emotional affair in a better perspective:
Why now?
Why are you becoming so involved with someone now rather than, say, last year? What does this tell you about what is going on in your life that you are struggling with most?
Why this person?
The fact that you are becoming involved with this person rather than someone else tells you something about what you need right now—it may be feeling validated or supported, feeling attractive or appreciated, feeling needed, or needing to break out of your auto-pilot boring life.
I see too many folks who, on the heels of getting busted, label their affair as just stupid, and they don't know why they did it. But they are not stupid, and they do know why they did it. They did it because they were getting something that they needed or didn't realize they needed. Ultimately, these needs should not be swept under the rug but brought into their partnered relationship.
If this is a bad solution to other problems, what are those problems?
You and your partner have been living like roommates for years. You're both too child-centered, and there is no us. You and your partner disagree about money, sex, kids, forever, and you're tired of struggling with and not being a team. You are having a 30 or midlife crisis; you feel stuck in the box of a life which you have created that no longer fits you; you are tired of doing what you should do and instead want to do what you want to do. You're depressed; you're angry. Find the underlying problems.
Emotional affair prevention
Because emotional affairs are often in the eyes of the beholder, it helps to map out early in your relationship each person's comfort zones, emotional triggers and bottom lines, expectations, and rules of engagement. Being close friends with anyone of your attractive sex may be enough to trigger insecurity, or maybe it's still talking to your ex. Or for some couples in more open marriages, sex is not the threat, but emotional intimacy—too many details about us—that is the no-no. Or it is about secrecy—I don't care who you see or what you talk about as long as you are not hiding it from me.
Define and openly negotiate win-win compromises and the rules of engagement as early on as possible. Too late is too late; if you just accommodate to what your partner wants to avoid a struggle, it will at some point likely come back to bite you.
And you'll find yourself in an emotional affair.
