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Key points
- Setbacks in people's lives bring challenges but also lessons.
- The key is learning lessons, knowing one's vulnerabilities, and taking baby steps towards changing patterns.
- It's important to identify a sense of purpose, create a lifestyle that works, and celebrate achievements.
Shera’s business collapsed after her business partner suddenly pulled out, and a week later, her close friend unexpectedly died. Jake looks back on the last five years, and all he sees are disappointments—a stressful yet dull job and a dating history where things never work out.
Both Shera and Jake are struggling in their own ways for good reasons. While life can bring joy, sometimes all you feel is life hitting you with body blow after body blow. Sometimes, these events are outside your control—the loss of Shera’s friend, simple bad chemistry on a date. Sometimes not—maybe Shera’s business partner felt she was too controlling; Jake’s dating life may reflect how he presents himself.
The challenge here is not only about successfully navigating these setbacks but also about learning something from them so you can move forward more effectively. Here’s how to get started:
1. Learn the lesson.
Learning to run your life is a process of elimination; within every adverse situation in our lives are embedded lessons often about what not to do. Pay attention to those red flags, speak up when something is bothering you (or the opposite), and let small things go so you can focus on what is most important.
What is the moral of the story of Shera’s and Jake’s experiences? Rather than only feeling like victims, is there something here, a lesson that life is teaching them?
2. Know your Achilles’ heel.
Your Achilles’ heel is your emotionally vulnerable spot; everyone has one or two, and they span everything you do, affecting how you run your life. For many, it’s about fearing conflict and strong emotions from others. This gets in the way of them being assertive and saying what they want, leading to walking on eggshells and accommodating. For others, it’s about controlling their emotions—flaring up with anger—that leads to blaming and an inability to solve problems.
Looking back, where did you get stuck running in your life? Did you not solve problems? Were you not able to be assertive and get what you want? Were you too stubborn or too emotional, always burning bridges, or not being able to reach win-win compromises? Think about the one or two things in your life that, if you did them, might make the biggest difference.
3. Tackle your lessons and Achilles’ heel.
Once you know where you can get stuck, the hard work is over, and now it’s time to take action—time to tackle the problem head-on. Shera realizes she was too controlling with her partner; Jake sees that he has a pattern of being too self-focused on those crucial first dates or that he’s fearful of confrontation and hasn’t stepped up to talk to his boss about getting more challenging work.
And because the Achilles heel may be a bigger pattern, it needs to be treated as a more significant pattern: On reflection, Shera realizes she needs to work on not being so seemingly controlling, even with friends. Jake discovers he needs to be more assertive at the job and be a better listener in personal conversations.
4. Set realistic goals.
This is not about a makeover. Both Shera and Jake can start slow. Shera doesn’t need to go the extreme and become a limp noodle when talking with friends, nor does Jake need to send an angry email to his boss about his job. Start slow and realize it is less about fixing the situation and the other person and more about how you run your life over the long haul.
5. Expect setbacks.
Shera and Jake will do fine on a good day, but with enough stress, Shera may slide back into her controlling tendencies, and Jake may become more passive. That’s fine—another lesson—learning what triggers you to fall back into your old patterns.
6. Find a lifestyle that works.
All this only works if it fits into the bigger vision of your life. Shera may get by without a work partner but now works 100 hours a week. Jake may give up online dating, but it doesn’t solve his problem of feeling lonely.
Here, it’s helpful to look at the bigger picture of the life you want to create. Start with the ideal—on the ideal day, ideal week, how would you spend your time? What would you do? What would bring you joy and not just kill time, or what activities would give you a sense of passion and purpose?
7. Build around your sense of purpose.
“What is the one thing you can do that no one else can do because of who you are?” —Buckminster Fuller
Your ideal life tells you something about what you’re here for, but at a more modest level, what gives you passion and purpose, and what do you want to dedicate your life to? These are hard questions but important ones. Because life is a journey, and you can’t predict the future, you may not know what path to take right now, but you can decide on your options. Pick the one that feels right now, and your future life will always give you feedback about whether it works for you or not.
8. Celebrate achievements.
Our brains are wired for the negative, so we have to work hard to create those positive circuits. While everyone has a to-do list, try writing down your done list. Practice writing down all you appreciate and what you feel gratitude for at the end of the day—no detail is too small. This is not only an antidote to depression and anger but will help train your brain to notice the positives in your life more.
Is it time to reshape your life?
