Head vs. Heart: Decision-Making and Relationships

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It’s estimated that we make 35,000 decisions a day. Obviously, not all decisions are created equally. Some are just us running on autopilot, some are first-world and relatively unimportant, while others require full-bore mental effort. But our personalities often guide our decision-making, which usually breaks down into two different camps on a continuum: those driven by “head”—more analytical—or “heart”—more driven by emotion. Each has its own characteristics, strengths, challenges, and impact on relationships. Here’s how it breaks down:

Head

Characteristics: As you might suspect, those who are more analytical tend to be more deliberate when making decisions. They want to gather information and often don’t decide until they feel confident they’re making the best rational decision possible.

Personality traits: In broad strokes, due to their temperament and upbringing, such folks can, though not necessarily, often be self-critical, even perfectionistic, and as a result, are fearful of making “mistakes.” They may be driven by many shoulds, managing their lives with many rules and routines.

Strengths: Ability to make firm, rational decisions.

Challenges: Sometimes, they can go down rabbit holes of information and get lost in too much unclear information, undermining their ability to be decisive.

Relationships: If they are in a relationship with someone like them, there is a lot of compatibility, though they can argue about whose logic or information is right. If someone with more heart, they may be initially attracted to their spontaneity, but over time, they can easily feel frustrated by the emotions, what seems like a lot of impulsiveness, and “irrational” decision-making.

Heart

Characteristics: While head folks are driven by reason, those at the other end of the continuum are driven by feelings. Decisions are made quickly based on what “feels right” at the moment, and everyday life is shaped in the same way—I do what I do based on how I feel.

Strengths: Spontaneity. In contrast to the head person who labors to make the right decision, they have a more energetic, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, be-in-the-moment approach to life.

Challenges: There’s a fine line between spontaneity and impulsivity, and impulsiveness doesn’t usually make for good decisions. If driven by “how you feel,” procrastination can set in, putting off what’s difficult, not exciting, or overwhelming.

Personality: Unlike head folks with their shoulds, rules, and routines, these individuals are often driven by wants and immediate gratification. Those with anxiety, attention-deficit disorder, or depression can easily fall into this camp, frequently making their problems worse.

Relationships: If paired with someone like them, their spontaneity can be infectious and invigorating. On the other hand, there also may be a lot of drama, or their challenges can combine to create a somewhat chaotic lifestyle. They may be initially attracted to the head person who seems solid, steady, and a welcome ballast to their everyday life. Over time, however, this strength can go sour—solidness turns into rigidity or boring, or at worst, controlling and critical.

Meeting in the Middle

We all have strengths and weaknesses based on genetics, upbringing, coping skills, and relationships, which are usually built to some degree on complementarity. But if your current style is creating problems—feels limiting, creating relationship problems—the challenge is moving away from the extremes that combine the strengths of head and heart and more toward a middle. Here’s how to get started:

Head: How to Break Out

Meeting in the middle incorporates more of what the heart person does well: being more spontaneous with emotions and information. This is about skill-building and brain-rewiring but involves taking risks: making what will feel like impulsive decisions, going with less information, and being willing to accept “good enough.”

It’s also about moving away from shoulds and rules and learning to pay attention to and cultivate wants—those gut reactions. Push back against those critical voices that are making you afraid of making mistakes and see “mistakes” not as disasters but as experiments in trying out new approaches.

Heart: How to Slow Down

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Just as head folks need to incorporate more of your spontaneity, you want to cultivate more of their rationality and pondering. Instead of running on emotions and impulses, you want to slow down by stepping back, calming emotions, thinking ahead to longer-term consequences, and resisting the urge to do something now. And if you’ve been struggling with procrastination, it’s about approaching rather than avoiding, stepping up, and taking on things you’ve been putting off. This is about building up your willpower to counter your emotions.

Relationship Tips

If this has been a source of frustration in your relationship, the challenge is to avoid trying to make the other person more like you, but together, meeting in the middle. Pick out one or two things you each would like the other person to do most in a concrete way that bothers you the most and agree to each do them. Then, talk about how you both can support each other in making these larger changes. What you’re trying to fix is the other person but the dynamic between you both.

For both head and heart folks, it’s important to take baby steps—no campaigns or makeovers. Pick one or two aspects of your default approach. Try doing something different for a week or two—pushing back against self-criticism or excessive information-gathering, resisting the impulsive urge, or doing something you’ve been putting off. This is about literally rewiring your brain to be more flexible.

Like Goldilocks, you don’t want to be too hot or too cold; you want to find a combination that is just right.