4 Signs That You Have an Inner Gaslighter

shutterstock Mary Long

We spend a lot of time focusing on how to cope with the gaslighters we encounter in our careers and personal lives, but it’s crucial to remember that we may have an inner gaslighter who makes us more vulnerable to them.

4 Signs That You Have an Inner Gaslighter

1. You tend to downplay your strengths and needs to keep others pleased.
2. Deep down, you worry that you are flawed and feel shame about it.
3. In relationships, you feel like “beggars can’t be choosers,” and you should be happy with anything you’ve got.
4. Your inner dialogue includes two parts: a cruel inner critic and a scared, vulnerable part, afraid of abandonment.

Origins of the Inner Gaslighter

We all have an inner critic who starts out as the part of our brain learning how to have empathy, use morals, feel guilt and shame, and develop a conscience. But children raised in scenarios where too many of their needs go unmet will start to believe they have to rely on themselves to meet their own needs.

The problem is that they aren’t developmentally ready for self-care and assertiveness—they’re still dependent by design as children. This is an unfair situation that sets the child up to fall short. As a result, they always feel like they are failing and not good enough. Their inner voice starts to say, “Your best isn’t good enough–you’re still failing! You have to do better to survive. No one is here to help you!” In this scenario, the inner critic becomes more and more demanding and punitive over time.

Now, if you add another factor to the neglect–if that child is demeaned, abused, or bullied by their caregivers–they also develop a deep sense of shame, feelings of inadequacy, and fear of abandonment.

When you combine a strong inner critic with an insecure, vulnerable child, the vulnerable child turns to the inner critic for care and support. It’s like watching a child afraid of abandonment start to rely on a mean, punitive adult because they feel that’s all they have. This is how an abusive relationship gets internalized as negative self-talk.

This leads to the paradox of an insecure part feeling safe when they are demeaned: exactly the qualities of a gaslighting relationship.

5 Inner Gaslighter Traits

The inner gaslighter...:

1. Demands that they are correct about everything and will attack you for disagreeing.
2. Makes you question your own sense of what is really happening.
3. Uses your insecurities to meanly attack you ("You're too stupid for people to want you!" Or "too ugly," etc.).
4. Threatens you with a worst-case scenario of being rejected and abandoned ("You'll be alone forever").
5. Forces you to believe you need to rely on them to understand what’s “really” happening.

6 Steps to Recovering

1. Start to see yourself as a personality with parts. We all have them and it’s healthy to appreciate your inner complexity. You have an inner critic, an inner vulnerable child, and a “real you” part trying to manage and care for yourself.
2. Assume authority. It’s up to the “real you” to manage your inner critic and vulnerable child to stop the inner gaslighting.
3. Notice when the inner critic is talking. This will take practice! You can use a diary to just note examples of things your inner critic says. Note down a few lines of what it says; try to do it every day.
4. Notice how the inner critic makes you feel. Insecure, shame, and afraid of rejection and abandonment. Journal those feelings too. "When I hear that it makes me feel worthless," etc.
5. Argue back against the inner critic. Point out how it makes you feel worse, and isn’t really helping. ("Telling me I'm useless will not help me become more assertive!")
6. Care for the inner vulnerable child who feels fear and shame. Reassure them that you will take care of yourself in ways your inner critic can’t. "I can help you feel safe without feeling worthless."

Remember: The recovery process is about tolerating the fear and anxiety that come with feeling that insecurity as you stand up for yourself. Keep practicing, and you’ll prove to yourself it’s possible over time.

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