Punitiveness Schema and Hidden Narcissistic Manipulation

Source: Photo by Artyom Kabajev on Unsplash

Punitiveness schema is a reaction to self and others which is fundamentally mean in tone and preoccupied with punishment as the solution. It often appears as a punitive inner voice, which can be demeaning, shaming, rejecting, humiliating, and demanding. The punitive voice uses such phrases as, “It’s what you deserve,” “Maybe now they will learn,” “You had it coming,” or, “It’s for your own good.”

Where Does Punitiveness Schema Come From?

A key stage in child development occurs after age two, when the child begins to build the capacity to care about how others feel, and understand that you can make others feel badly when you treat them badly. A key developmental step at this age is the ability to experience guilt and shame—that is, to feel badly when you hurt others. You can imagine that this is a delicate stage for the child, and how caregivers manage discipline can deeply impact the child’s development during this time. In fact, most of us adopt our parents’ attitude toward discipline as our own, more or less. If caregivers are especially punitive, this tone becomes part of the child’s inner voice. So our experience of attachment styles with caregivers becomes part of our own inner world, embedded in our personality.

In situations where the child experiences serious unmet emotional needs, neglect, or abuse, their nascent punitive voice grows stronger as a means of compensating for attachment failures and stress. What does this look like exactly? When a child is trying to cope with the challenges of growing up, feeling insecure, needing help with tasks, and they have an unsympathetic or neglectful caregiver, the punitive voice steps in to help. It’s as if the child is saying to the punitive voice, “You’re as close to a parent as I’ve got right now, so I’ll rely on you.” This can lead the child to feel that the punitive voice is actually protecting them from failure and harm. The punitive inner voice starts to gain influence, always promising safety and results. It’s like the punitive voice is saying to the child, “If you just feel bad enough, you’ll learn, and things will turn out better.”

It's a sad story of a child trying to work with the resources they’ve got. Even if the punitiveness doesn’t actually help ultimately, it provides initial relative relief from fear. “Instead of feeling afraid, I will just be mean.” That is punitiveness schema.

The real problem is, the stronger the punitive voice becomes, the more shame and inadequacy the child feels about themself. This is the heart of punitiveness schema. There’s always a part of the self on the receiving end of that meanness, feeling the shame. So this dynamic of punitive voice/shamed child can become engrained as a pattern well into adulthood. A particularly tragic aspect of punitiveness schema is that it can be passed down from generation to generation. If you had a mean, punitive parent, it’s likely your grandparents were even worse to them. It may be up to you to try and end the cycle with you by embracing compassion.

6 Signs of Punitiveness Schema

1. A chronic or frequent inner voice demanding that a price be paid or punishment served in order to improve yourself or others.
2. A strong belief that success only comes through sacrifice and pain.
3. A chronic feeling that you are behind, or not enough, or failing in spite of proof otherwise.
4. Meanness in tone with yourself and others.
5. Resenting others for their self-care, rest, and good boundaries with work.
6. Self-esteem harmed by feelings of shame and inadequacy.

How Punitiveness Schema Makes You Vulnerable to Narcissistic Hidden Manipulation

Remember, punitiveness is a repeating message we send to ourselves that we are not good enough. A hallmark trait of narcissistic people and gaslighters is that they present themselves to others as unfailingly successful, impressive, smart, and capable—exactly the qualities a person with punitiveness schema feels they lack. So, if you have punitiveness schema, you can feel drawn to the person who has all the qualities you want to have, in the hope that you can be more like them.

Once this dynamic is established in a relationship, the narcissistic person can use a power play of referring to your failings and how you have been a disappointment, or how you could be better. This triggers your punitiveness schema, leaving you more open to suggestion: “This person really knows what they’re doing, and they’re trying to give me advice on how to improve.” The problem comes when the advice you get works entirely in the other person’s favor—even working against your own best interests—while boosting their influence over you.

How to Cope with Punitiveness Schema and Reduce Vulnerability to Manipulation

• Educate yourself on the principles of healthy self-esteem and good boundaries. You may have never done so in the past, because your punitiveness told you it was too selfish.
• Pay attention to when you use a punitive tone and speech with yourself or others. Use a journal. Ask yourself, is this how you want to be? Do you like treating yourself or others this way? Is there a way of responding with compassion?
• Consider that ambition, hard work, and good boundaries do not require being mean and punitive.
• Notice when the narcissistic person uses accusations that trigger your punitiveness. How often does this happen? Practice catching it.
• Once you catch moments of accusation or disappointment, practice pausing, not being triggered, adopting a role of curiosity. What are the reasons for this accusation, and are they fair?
• Focus on your self-esteem, and ask yourself whether you deserve to be treated this way—by yourself or anyone.
• Once you slow things down and practice curiosity, you can hold a boundary and assert your dignity.

Learn more in my book, Your Coping Skills Aren’t Working, and subscribe to my newsletter to receive self-talk tips.