Fragile Masculinity and Hypermasculine Defenses

Cowboy

Ivana Tomskava/pixabay

Why is the worst thing one man can say about another is that he is controlled by a woman, or more precisely, that he is controlled by his need for a woman? The reason is that in this culture, masculinity is defined more by what it is not, i.e., feminine, than by what it is, and anything that is defined primarily by what it is not is necessarily less well-developed, less mature, and more fragile.

Femininity in our culture is generally considered a birthright, something that young women inherit simply by virtue of being female. In contrast, many young men experience masculinity as something they have to earn and are then subject to being challenged at any time and must be defended at a moment’s notice. It has been said that womanhood happens to girls via a series of inevitable physical and biological changes.

In contrast, as Elizabeth Wilkerson wrote in her groundbreaking book Caste, “Real manhood is not a natural condition that comes about spontaneously through biological nature but rather is a precarious or artificial state that boys must win against powerful odds.” The rituals that mark young men’s transition to manhood often involve the administration of intense physical pain, sometimes to the point of torture, such as scarification or circumcision without anesthetic. Although many cultures have corresponding rituals of passage for young women, authentic femininity rarely involves tests or proofs of action or confrontations with dangerous foes.

For men, it can seem like a single act that is interpreted by the culture as feminine can undo a lifetime of hard work. Boys are often taught to feel uncertain and insecure about their masculinity, to feel that it is fragile and vulnerable, and that they need to suppress any stereotypically feminine aspect of themselves to prove to themselves and others that they are a man.

When a group of college students at two universities were asked how a man might lose his manhood, they answered with a series of social failures, such as losing their job. When asked how a woman might lose her womanhood, the same students gave biological explanations, such as having a sex change operation or a hysterectomy. Research suggests that boys are punished more than girls for deviating from socialized gender roles. For example, some parents may be less worried about their daughter being too masculine if she plays with a truck than they are worried that their son is too feminine if he wants to play with dolls.

Men often learn to protect themselves by being hypervigilant about anything that might make them appear feminine and doing all they can to appear more manly, from what they wear to how they hold their bodies, how they talk, and how they eat. This can lead to what researchers refer to as a “chronic terror of emasculation” for men and the use of hypermasculine defenses such as excessive risk-taking behaviors, a reluctance to seek or accept help when needed, and poor self-care, all to avoid any appearance of being weak, dependent or any other characteristic that is associated with being feminine.

Men’s defenses against femininity extend to the emotional realm as well, where they also cause a good deal of suffering. Men are sometimes socialized to suppress qualities such as compassion, empathy, nurturance, tenderness, vulnerability, and intimacy because they are stereotypically considered feminine characteristics. Men will sometimes allow themselves to explore these more tender “feminine” parts of themselves in the privacy of an intimate relationship with a woman, snuggling with their partner and using pet names or “baby talk” in a way they would be mortified if any of their male friends ever learned of.

A number of researchers have looked at the ways in which this male anxiety about being perceived as feminine operates in the political sphere. Their data suggests that male candidates are successful in elections to the extent they can present themselves as not feminine and are punished by the voters to the extent that they are perceived as feminine. For example, Bill Clinton was criticized when he was president for being dominated by his wife, but when his affair with Monica Lewinsky was exposed, his approval rating actually went up.

Former President Trump is a national figure who regularly engages in displays of hypermasculinity, such as publicly bragging about the size of his penis and his high levels of testosterone. If this formulation is correct, it follows that men who are drawn to Mr. Trump’s hypermasculine posturing would be men who feel less secure about their own masculinity. In fact, in the 2016 presidential election, Mr. Trump did better in districts in which men searched on the internet more often for terms such as “erectile dysfunction” and “how to get girls.” Again, in the 2018 mid-term elections, support for Mr. Trump was higher in districts in which Google search data suggested higher levels of fragile masculinity.

Gender Essential Reads

Insights From Research of Teens Unhappy With Their Gender

Hostile and Benevolent Sexism: Two Sides of the Same Coin

This post is excerpted, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships. (2022) Lasting Impact Press.