Disenfranchised Losses: When Grief Goes Underground

Source: Images Photographed by Sarah Vollmann

Losses that are unrecognized, minimized, or silent are called disenfranchised losses.

A range of losses can be disenfranchised. A miscarriage, for example, is frequently experienced as a disenfranchised loss. Many who experience a miscarriage feel a deep sense of grief, but have no funeral or loss ritual in which to feel supported. The loss may be unspoken. Family and friends who are aware of the miscarriage may not understand its significance for the bereaved.

There are many types of losses that are commonly disenfranchised. When a loved one’s death carries an unfortunate perception of stigma, such as a suicide or an overdose, the bereaved may feel less able or inclined to seek support.

Some losses have a significance that is unseen or underestimated by others. The death of an ex-spouse, for example, might cause intense grief, but may not be viewed by others as a life-altering event that merits support and care.

Those who are born after the death of a sibling, who are commonly referred to as subsequent or replacement children, often experience a disenfranchised loss. There is a common misconception that a death that occurred before one’s birth would have little or no impact. Most people do not realize that there are many repercussions for those who are born into a grieving family. Many subsequent children grow up in the shadow of loss, carrying a heavy sense of grief.

When I interviewed subsequent children (who were all adults by that time) for a research study, many participants told me that it was the first time that they were speaking about their role as a subsequent child. They had never before had the opportunity to fully share about the death of their sibling, or their experience of being born into a grieving family. Most participants disclosed sorrow about their sibling’s death, and spoke of its significant impact upon their identity, their familial relationships, and the trajectory of their lives. Many participants wondered aloud if their reactions and feelings were “normal,” and asked me about the others in the study.

When a loss is unrecognized by others it often becomes more complex to grieve. Disenfranchised mourners have few opportunities to process their feelings and experience, or to gain validation and empathy for their loss. They may feel alone with their loss, become self-critical about the intensity of their feelings, or try to suppress their grief.

As our awareness about grief and loss grows, we can shine a light upon hidden losses, and work towards the healing of disenfranchised grief.