When Target Parents Reunite With Alienated Children

Parental alienation is when one parent (the alienating parent) intentionally damages their child’s relationship with the other parent (the target parent). Alienating parents achieve this by deploying parental alienation behaviors, such as character assassinations, interfering with contact, and interrupting time with the target parent. It often happens in the context of separations and divorce, and the result is that the alienated child and target parent are denied the opportunity to have a relationship with each other.

Target parents suffer tremendously in this situation. Alienation from their children can lead to elevated levels of depression, anxiety, stress, social isolation, despair, and suicidal ideation. But what happens when targeted parents and adult alienated children voluntarily reunite?

This was the main question of a study conducted by psychologist Mandy Louise Matthewson of the University of Tasmania in Australia. In order to pursue this inquiry, Dr. Matthewson and her collaborators recruited 12 targeted parents and interviewed them about their experiences of alienation. From there, their narratives were analyzed for themes.

What did the research team find? The narratives yielded three key themes, each of which consisted of sub-themes. A general overview of their findings is provided below.

Theme 1: What is reunification?

Target parents had different definitions of reunification, which broke down into four sub-themes.

a) Reunification is subjective. All target parents reported that they were reunited with their alienated child. However, the nature of the relationship and frequency of contact varied widely. Some children lived with their target parent, some with their alienating parent, and some lived solo. Some targeted parents spoke with their children daily, while others had only occasional contact.

b) The catalyst event. All targeted parents reported that their adult alienated children initiated reunification after a catalyst event. Two participants, for example, said that individuals in their adult alienated child’s life led to them to reach out. One participant recounted:

"You just never know, it could be the flick of a switch, that something can happen and it’s a trigger. The trigger was my son’s [alienated adult child’s] mate. He said, ‘What’s the deal with your mum, you never talk about her?’ And that’s what triggered him… And he’s like, ‘Well why don’t you go see her, why don’t you reach out to her?’"

c) Reconciling with extended family and friends. Almost half of the participants noted that their adult alienated children were reestablishing contact with extended family and friends. Reportedly, the alienation had spread to these connections as well—but so did reunification.

d) Reunification is a process. All of the targeted parents invested a lot of time and effort in repairing the ruptured relationship. Various forms of contact, including cards, letters, gifts, texts, emails, and phone calls, were met with no response for years. In a particularly poignant example, one targeted parent said they drove two hours every birthday, Christmas, and Easter for a decade to spend five minutes with her child and deliver gifts, before starting the two-hour journey home.

Theme 2: Factors impacting reunification

Participants’ narratives yielded two sub-themes:

a) Factors that helped reunification. Support from others was particularly helpful in reunification, including a parental alienation support group, counseling, and friends and family. Learning about parental alienation, parental alienating behaviors, and reunification was also useful. The knowledge helped targeted parents make sense of their own experiences. A participant shared:

"Oh, in the early time I had no idea about parental alienation and so it was hell, because I thought ‘What is going on?’… You start going crazy because you had this fantastic bond with your kid, and then… it just explodes and you think, this is impossible!… You read up on parental alienation and it’s like a light-switch and you think ‘Thank god, there’s something out there which explains this’… That was a real life-saving moment for me."

b) Factors hindering reunification. Most target parents stated that their child’s mental health was an obstacle to reunification. They encountered emotional dysregulation, fear, anxiety, aggression, and controlling and/or submissive behavior. Targeted parents understood these issues as stemming from the toxic relationship with the alienating parent.

"He (adult alienated child) would put his hands on his head, and he’d say, ‘I don’t know why I keep doing this,’ he said, ‘I just don’t know, I just get this feeling of being angry and I just want to blame you.’"

Targeted parents also said that engagement in family court to see their child, confronting the alienating parent, and defending themselves against false allegations leveled by the alienating parent damaged their mental health.

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Theme 3: Life after reunification

Four sub-themes provided deeper insight into reunification:

a) Feelings toward the alienating parent. All targeted parents had mixed feelings about the alienating parent, such as apathy, pity, fear, anger, and empathy. Some participants were still in shock that the person they chose to have a child with could behave so cruelly.

b) We do not speak of the alienation. The majority of targeted parents didn’t talk about the alienation with their adult alienated children, largely because their child still defended the alienating parent. Some parents were open to addressing it if their child wanted to:

"It’s kind of strange. Sometimes it’s like the elephant in the room… One of the decisions I made early on if like if he wanted to talk about it, I was willing to talk about it, but if he didn’t want to talk about it, you know, we weren’t going to talk about it."

c) The negative impacts of reunification. Half of the participants struggled with their mental health as a result of the reunification. Some said reunification was difficult because it reminded them of how much they had been cut off from their child’s life. Other targeted parents said they suffered financially, having been tied up in court for years in efforts to have a relationship with their child.

d) The positive impact of reunification. Most targeted parents felt they regained a sense of meaning because of reunification. A participant reflected:

"I feel more complete. I’ve got my sense of purpose back. I can mother him, cook for him and do things. Now it’s not just the cat and dog, I’ve got my son… it’s part of having that purpose again. Feeling like I’m a mum again."