How to Stop Taking on Too Much Responsibility for Others

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Rescuer, caretaker, enabler: These words all mean basically the same thing in the context of relationships that are harmful to both people involved. Anytime we take on responsibility for another adult, we run the risk of enabling that person to continue with their own bad habits or poor decisions. It is a destructive form of helping.

Most people who are rescuing or enabling others are not even aware of what they’re doing. They may believe that they are simply being kind, or that they have no choice other than fixing the problems caused by others. There are many ways in which people act as caretakers of others. Some of these are:

• Agreeing to do something we don’t want to do.
• Taking on someone else’s responsibility, without even being asked.
• Trying to make sure everyone else feels OK.
• Speaking for someone else who is capable of speaking up for themselves.
• Taking the consequences of someone else’s problem.
• Fixing someone else’s problem.
• Trying to save someone from their own bad habits by being their caretaker.
• Not asking for what we need or want.

The Rescuer Becomes the Victim, and Then the Persecutor

Many rescuers are aware of the frequent feelings of frustration, resentment, or being used by someone. In order to fix the other person’s problem, we end up ignoring our own needs or obligations to ourselves. This creates resentment toward the person we were trying to save.

Very often, the outcome is not what was hoped for. The lack of the desired outcome can cause us to shift to a new frame of mind: now we’re the victim. We have given our time and effort to make a situation better for someone else and they do not appreciate it, do not change their habits for us, and sometimes even get angry at us. Our need to feel needed was met briefly, and then we were left in the dust. But we were just trying to help, right?

Then we feel angry because our needs were not met. Our anger might be expressed in withdrawn moodiness, passive aggression, or in an outburst of criticism. We have dropped the roles of rescuer and victim, and now become the persecutor. This anger might be vented toward them, as in “I did that for you; what are you doing for me?” Or, “you’re still acting the same way.” We overlook the fact that they never asked us to help them.

When No One Has Really Asked to Be Rescued

The act of rescuing in this context also leads to resentment from the person “helped” because we are assuming that the person needs our “help” and acting as if they are not capable of solving their own problems. Helping them might meet our need to feel needed, but it sends a message to them that they are not capable of being responsible for themselves. No one wants to feel inadequate or helpless.

On occasion, our efforts may be successful in fixing a problem, but most often we still create resentment in the person being “helped.” That resentment can be directed at us in words, acted out with passive-aggressive behavior, or just lead to the same problem occurring over and over again. It becomes a lose-lose situation. It is destructive for ourselves and to the person we supposedly helped.

This dynamic has been termed the “Karpman Drama Triangle” after the work of Stephen Karpman decades ago. It was explained by Melody Beattie in her bestselling books, Codependent No More and The New Codependency. Much of Beattie’s original book is about the behaviors of individuals who are addicted to substances and those who live with the addicted person. However, the concepts are applicable to so many relationships in which one person takes on too much responsibility for others in their daily lives.

Tips for Changing This Destructive Habit

There are ways to change this self-destructive habit once you recognize that you might be caught up in the harmful pattern described here. Following are some tips for changing the dynamic between yourself and the person(s) for whom you are assuming too much responsibility.

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1. Think about what you assume to be your responsibilities at home or at work, or both. Write these down. Then, list the responsibilities that are not really yours. Compare these two lists. You may be surprised at how much you have taken upon yourself.

2. Become more aware of when you are trying to rescue someone else. It may be in one of the ways listed above, or in another way that’s become a habit for you. Notice how you feel after you act as the rescuer. Are you feeling resentful (persecutor)? or taken advantage of (victim)? Be mindful of how these feelings relate to your choice to rescue the other person from their own choices.

3. Practice not rescuing. This will be difficult at first. It may bring up anxiety about “what will happen if I don’t help?” Review the consequences of past helping behavior by you. How often did that turn out well for either you or the other person?

4. Be assertive about what you need from others. Ask others to be assertive about what they need from you. Remember that you have the choice to say “No” to their requests. They have the freedom to make their own mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.

5. Let your family, friends, or co-workers know that you are making some changes in how you get things done. Make it clear that you have a mutual best interest at heart. Be prepared for some initial frustration from those who have come to rely on your saving them. This may be unavoidable, but worth it in the long term.

Final Thoughts

Taking on too much responsibility for others’ behavior can become a lifelong habit that harms both yourself and the other person. It can cause frustration, resentment, and feelings of being taken advantage of. Changing this habit is difficult but can be done once you realize how it’s been harming both yourself and your relationships.