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Key points
- Messaging around failure for those with ADHD creates a false narrative that failure is inevitable.
- Seeking challenges increases confidence and the ability to try more difficult things.
- Adopting a growth mindset makes failure an opportunity to learn and grow as opposed to a reason to give up.
The world does not understand the incredible potential of those with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Unhelpful ableist messaging, misunderstanding, judgment, and disability-related discrimination can cause those with ADHD to experience intense emotional responses to criticism or rejection. This stands to reason: One study shows that, in school alone, a child with ADHD could receive 20,000 corrective or critical comments by their 12th birthday. It’s understandable that the fear of failing and hearing more of this messaging would hold children and adults with ADHD back from trying new things or taking on challenges they fear they may not succeed at.
Take the Risk
Too many highly gifted and skilled people with ADHD are afraid to take healthy risks, which further affirms the unhelpful belief that when they face rejection, they won’t be able to cope. They manifest the very thing they fear—failure—by never trying. So, what is one of the most effective ways to overcome rejection sensitivity? Practice failing. In the viral TED Talk, “What I learned from 100 days of rejection,” entrepreneur Jia Jiang shared his radical approach to overcoming rejection sensitivity by purposely trying to be rejected for 100 consecutive days. Many people did reject him, but to his surprise, some said yes to even the most off-the-wall requests (such as asking employees at Krispy Kreme to turn his donuts into the shape of the Olympic rings). The payoff in the end? He learned that not only could he tolerate rejection but also that it did not have to hold him back from things he wanted in his life. While 100 days of rejection may seem extreme, those with ADHD can apply this idea by doing the following four steps:
- Think of something you’ve been uncertain about trying (e.g., starting a new hobby, applying for a job, asking out a love interest).
- Set a day and time you will go for it. (Adding it to your calendar is a key anchor point for remembering to follow through with your goal.)
- Detach from the outcome and see success as the effort only as opposed to the result.
- Aim to fail daily, as failure is a sign you are trying bigger and more challenging things.
Most people who accomplish amazing things fail countless times before they succeed. The story of Thomas Edison, about whom author Thom Hartman coined the term “The Edison Gene” to describe his exemplary traits and gifts of ADHD, is a famous example of someone experiencing multiple failures before hitting ultimate success. If it were not for Edison’s penchant for failure, we may not have the lightbulb.
Failing “Forward”
An important aspect to being successful at failing forward toward success (which, odd as it sounds, is quite possible) is your outlook on failure. If you view failure through a growth mindset by believing your achievements are derived from dedication and work as opposed to pure ability, then most success must first be preceded by failures and pitfalls.
Every “swing and a miss” serves as information on how to aim more accurately next time. For those with ADHD, even going to bat can be overwhelming, especially if there is a lack of hope that they will succeed. The good news, according to Chan M. Hellman, professor of social work at the University of Oklahoma and director of the Hope Research Center, is that hope is not an innate feeling but rather a way of thinking that can be learned. This is a powerful concept when overcoming ADHD failure schema (a maladaptive belief that failure is inevitable) if knowing that changing your thoughts can increase your sense of hope. Being hopeful is something you can practice and is a powerful way to encourage the ability to master failing forward toward your goals.
To overcome failure schemas and master the art of failing “forward” toward your goals:
- Pay attention to stories you tell yourself. If they are shame stories, share them, as shame theory asserts that shame loses its negative impact when it is expressed.
- Pay attention to sensations you experience in your body. If you notice tension when taking risks or attempting challenging things, try methods to relax into the discomfort such as breath work or other grounding techniques.
- Try to sustain a compassionate growth mindset, where you focus on what you’re learning from your mistakes instead of chastising yourself for making them. You are bravely stepping out there: Be proud.
Fail Together
Finally, celebrate the wins and the losses as early as childhood. In James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, he explored evidence-based strategies that successful people strive to live by. One suggestion was to encourage children to try big things, share their failures, and make doing so a normalized part of family culture and conversation. That way, you not only help a child with ADHD work toward their goals but also encourage collaboration and problem-solving to seek out the necessary accommodations and alternative routes toward success the resilient, creative ADHD brain is especially capable of.
Portions of this post were adapted from my books Powered by ADHD: Strategies and Exercises for Women to Harness Their Untapped Gifts and Surviving Suicidal Ideation From Therapy to Spirituality and the Lived Experience.
References
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits: Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. New York, New York, Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House.
Hartman, T. (2005) The Edison Gene: ADHD and the Gift of the Hunter Child. Park Street Press.
Hamilton, Cary McAdams, and Sarah M. Moran. "Play Therapy Groups with Neurodiverse Children." Implementing Play Therapy with Groups. Routledge, 2021. 220–230.
Fröberg, Zandra, and Shiven Holmgren. "Shame and Support: How People Experience and Cope With Shame." (2020).
