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Body Image
3 Qualities That Really Make Us Beautiful
Looking in the right places for the love, connection, and happiness we seek.
Posted February 29, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- We often pursue beauty to be accepted and loved, but this may not deliver true happiness.
- Recognizing that beauty is an inside job, we can focus on what really makes us attractive.
- Feeling beautiful to ourselves is a key to happiness.
We love hearing that we’re beautiful. Much time, energy, and anxiety revolve around our efforts to appear beautiful to others. What drives this relentless desire?
Society conditions us to believe that being physically gorgeous is the key to being accepted, loved, and happy. Who doesn't want that? But our quest for beauty is often driven by an outdated operating system.
Many of us have been wounded by being shamed and humiliated for our looks. Growing up in Brooklyn, if you were on the heavy side, you’d be called “fatty.” My epithet was “skinny.” It was hard for anyone to get it just right.
The common defensive posture was quickly learned on the street: Attack others before they attack you. Body-shaming leaves us scrambling to avoid any further humiliation that damages our self-worth and dignity.
Marketing psychologists know how to exploit our lingering insecurities. They are adept at creating advertising to harness the power of our emotions to buy their products. It’s in the best interest of corporations to keep us off-balance and insecure about our looks—propelling us to spend money acquiring their products to remedy the “flaws” in our skin, hair, eyebrows, or whatever.
Don't get me wrong. I’m all in for looking and feeling our best. Dermatologists have ways to improve our appearance. Skin-care products help nurture our skin. And if you want to look good and feel good, don't neglect arming yourself with information to counter the food industry maestros that market foods with the right combination of fats, salt, and sweeteners to keep us "addicted," and adding extra pounds we don’t need (obesity is a worldwide epidemic).
What I’m getting at is this: You want to feel and radiate beauty? Real beauty is an inside job. Here are four things to practice that may bring more joy and connectedness into your life. And they won't cost a penny.
Be Present
We may become so preoccupied with our external appearance that we neglect our inner world. We get lost in our head—trying to appear clever, talented, funny, or interesting. When someone is speaking, we may rehearse our response rather than really listening.
People are smarter than we might think. They can sense when we’re not paying attention—when we’re more interested in sharing our thoughts and opinions than being interested in them. Extending genuine interest is an art. Take some slow, deep breaths; soften your belly; make eye contact with a gentle gaze; and ask questions that come from genuine curiosity about their world. You’ll get your turn to talk later.
Everyone wants to be heard. Be the person who becomes a skilled and caring listener, and you may be the one they contact when they want companionship. Creating a gentle flow between listening and speaking with someone you like can enhance your happiness.
Our presence is the greatest gift we can offer. It’s a beautiful, soulful thing. People will notice when we have the intention to be there for them. You don't have to try to look good or be somebody. Get out of your head, be present in your body, and you’re creating a climate for a beautiful connection. Satisfying human relationships bring the greatest happiness.
Be Kind and Caring
Many of us have grown up without the secure attachment with caregivers that would provide a foundation for healthy connections in our adult lives. To the extent that we grew up being shamed, criticized, judged, or analyzed, we tend to shut down. We keep ourselves protected, our hearts hidden. We deem it foolish to show vulnerability and expose our true feelings and wants.
Our antenna is attuned to any hint of being shamed or criticized. We’ve had enough of that. Extend a consistent kindness and caring, and you might find that people feel emotionally safer coming toward you.
If you notice things you don't like about someone—perhaps they said something that was hurtful or insensitive, don't focus on that. We all say foolish things. If it gets to the point where you don't feel safe with them, you can minimize your contact—or not see them again. I’m not suggesting you stay with someone who’s abusive or with whom you don't feel comfortable.
Look for the goodness in people, not their flaws. We can always find things we dislike about someone, especially if we’re looking for them. Do their imperfections remind you of your own? Be gentle with your own limitations and you might find that your window of tolerance for people’s flaws, as well as your own, increases.
Being human means being awkward sometimes. A person's attempts to reveal something about themselves, or be humorous, or share a story may rankle you without their intending to. An off-handed comment might fall flat. Perhaps it's often prudent to let it go and move on.
Be Humble
Arrogance is kryptonite to relationships. The wisest people don't wear their accomplishments. They don't try to impress because they feel secure in themselves. It takes emotional intelligence to prioritize being empathically attuned to others—really hearing their pain, anxiety, or joy, and offering some reflection back so they feel heard.
When you feel good about yourself and your life, you’ll feel beautiful to yourself and won't need to pump yourself up. The less you need to impress others, the more they’ll be impressed.
Outer beauty is a double-edged sword. If you’re endowed with it, you might not know if people are attracted to you or your looks.
The more we embody a relaxed, humble presence with others, extending kindness, caring, and acceptance, the deeper and more satisfying our relationships become. These are keys to a happy life.
© John Amodeo
