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Psychology
Finding Inner Peace by Befriending Our Feelings
Getting beyond labeling emotions as positive or negative.
Posted November 7, 2022 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- The fallacy of positive and negative emotions can lead us to cling to pleasant feelings and push away unpleasant ones.
- Clinging and aversion are setups for suffering. Painful or difficult feelings tend to pass as we make a friendly space for them.
- As we ground and resource ourselves, we can learn to welcome the full range of our human emotions, which is an important aspect of self-love.
If you find yourself evaluating your emotions as either positive or negative, I have a suggestion: stop judging your emotions and you might find greater peace and happiness in your life.
It's natural for us to seek pleasure and avoid pain. After all, we want to be happy and there’s nothing wrong with that. But the real issue is this: what kind of attitude toward our feelings enables us to grow toward a deeper sense of well-being and joy?
Western approaches to psychology often make a distinction between positive and negative emotions. Positive emotions are seen as pleasant, desirable feelings, such as joy, love, gratitude, or contentment. Negative emotions may include anxiety, anger, sadness, loneliness, fear, or other uncomfortable or undesirable feelings.
There is no consensus that defines well-being, but it is often explained as the presence of positive emotions and the absence of negative ones. This is a simple way to differentiate between what uplifts us and what unsettles us. But something about this simplistic view unsettles me.
If we divide emotions into positive and negative categories, it creates a dualistic view of our human feelings. If we believe that some emotions are negative, it’s almost impossible for our human psyche to not want to eliminate these “negative” emotions and hold on to the “positive” ones. As a result, we set up a tension in our psyche. We try to cling to what’s pleasant and have an aversion toward what’s unpleasant.
According to Buddhist psychology, it is this very clinging that creates suffering in our lives. Clinging and aversion are sources of misery. Living our lives by clinging to pleasure and avoiding pain is not a formula for joy and well-being. The path toward awakening involves acknowledging and welcoming the full range of our human emotions.
Rather than viewing emotions as bad or negative, perhaps we can see them as being uncomfortable, unpleasant, or difficult to face and feel. If we want to enjoy more uplifting emotions, we don’t get there by pushing away, denying, or avoiding unpleasant ones. We only get there by creating a friendly space for the full range of our human experience. The path toward inner peace and wholeness requires making peace with all of our emotions rather than trying to get rid of the ones we consider unsavory.
Befriending the Full Range of Our Emotions
Being wired with the fight, flight, freeze response, it’s not surprising that we tend to push away feelings that we experience as threatening to our well-being and safety. This tendency had survival value for our ancestors who lived in the jungle, facing predators and other daily dangers. But we no longer need to be governed strictly by our survival instincts. Fortunately, we can learn to see our experience in a more calm and measured way. We have the capacity to bring mindfulness to whatever we happen to be experiencing, whether pleasant or uncomfortable. We can then learn to respond to events rather than simply react to them.
A key to our well-being is to accept ourselves as we are. This means making room for our human experience just as it is without judging ourselves. In Eugene Gendlin’s "Focusing" approach, what creates a shift in our inner landscape is holding unpleasant experiences in a gentle, caring way. Gendlin called this approach the “Focusing attitude.” This is an orientation of kindness and friendliness toward whatever we’re experiencing inside.
Here’s a thought: the next time you notice feeling sad, anxious, ashamed, or hurt, notice how you relate to these feelings. Do you tend to push them away—perhaps judging them as bad or thinking there’s something wrong with you? Before reacting or shutting down your feelings, take a moment to get grounded. Feel your feet on the floor or look at something pleasant in your environment. Take a few slow, deep breaths. This allows you to resource yourself as a prelude to acknowledging and welcoming your feelings.
Once you feel resourced and grounded, see if you can bring some gentleness to what you’re noticing in your body. If it’s a feeling you don’t want to get close to, see if you can keep that feeling at some distance from yourself; maybe it’s OK to feel some part of the difficult feeling—sensing around the edges of it. If that is too difficult or overwhelming, then just notice how scary or uncomfortable this feeling is. And remember that you don’t have to go into it at all. Perhaps you can come back to it later if you choose to, or work with a therapist who can help you explore issues that may be difficult or troubling.
By viewing feelings as pleasant or uncomfortable rather than positive or negative, you might be more inclined to welcome and explore whatever message they may hold for you rather than cling to them or try to get rid of them. Remember that clinging and aversion are setups for more anguish.
The good news is that unpleasant feelings tend to pass as we make room for them rather than seeing them as the enemy. An important aspect of loving ourselves is allowing our feelings to be just as they are. And we could all use a little more self-love.
© John Amodeo.
