For Abuse Survivors, Leaving Can Be Harder Than Staying

Chris left his partner last summer, hoping that the two would go their separate ways and move on. His partner had no intention of letting him do this, harassing and stalking him for over a year before Chris finally applied for a protection from abuse order. The order was granted for 12 months, leaving Chris with some space to breathe, even if he knew logically that no piece of paper could stop someone who is out for revenge.

A year later, the protection order ended, and the harassment started again like clockwork. The courts refused to hear his pleas, as only physical abuse was prioritized. The methods his ex was using were all legal in the eyes of the courts: filing complaints with child protection services, getting friends and family to harass him publicly, posting about him on social media, and spreading lies to isolate and embarrass him. He felt hopeless with nowhere to turn.

Experiencing post-separation abuse can feel very isolating for many survivors.

Source: Andrew Neel/Unsplash

For survivors of intimate partner violence, leaving the relationship can be more difficult than staying. Post-separation abuse, or abuse as retaliation to punish and get revenge on the victim for leaving, is sometimes worse than the experiences they endured while the relationship was still alive.

"When an abusive relationship ends, the abuser's need for power and control does not disappear. It merely transitions to a new form of abuse called post-separation abuse" (High Conflict Education and Resources, 2022).

Going through a breakup is stressful enough without the added element of having to defend yourself against an ex who is angry and out for revenge. Unfortunately, perpetrators have numerous tools at their disposal, including filing false police and child protection reports, spreading false information to discredit and smear, and using the court system to harass through frivolous litigation tactics.

"The platform for post-separation abuse is the family court system, and the abuser weaponizes the children and family court professionals to maintain power and control" (High Conflict Education and Resources, 2022).

You may feel that there is no way to climb out of this mess when it happens to you. And if you are in the middle of a smear campaign, it might feel like it will never end. Experiencing a smear campaign goes much farther than just having a few rumors spread about you, like on the middle school playground.

An abuser targets the victim's entire social circle and support network–it infiltrates their entire livelihood. The court system and authorities become the new weapon of abuse, making the victim feel helpless and alone. Sometimes, the very people who they would turn to for help become the abuser's latest tool: the authorities and the victim's social circle.

"After a breakup, the courts are often the only tool left for abusers seeking to maintain a hold over their victims’ lives. The process costs money and time and can further traumatize victims of intimate-partner violence, even after they have managed to leave the relationship." (Klein, 2019)

Five things survivors can do:

1. Take note of your triggers and weaknesses. During post-separation abuse, an abuser will use any and all things against you that they can. Your mentally ill aunt? They might spread rumors that "it must run in the family." The glass of wine you drink every night with dinner? They might spread rumors that you are an alcoholic. Sometimes these stories are fabrications and exaggerations of parts of the truth, and other times they are flat-out lies. Take note of them, and work on them in therapy or with a trusted friend. Practice desensitizing yourself to the smears to decrease the chances that you will react to the abuser–because this is what they want.

2. Be ready for anything. Someone capable of post-separation abuse, usually someone with true narcissistic tendencies–if not a full flagged personality disorder–will stop at nothing to bring you down. Expect to hear horrible things about yourself, your family, and your history. Expect them to smear you online, in social circles, and with anyone who will listen. No person is off-limits, and it can get humiliating.

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Try to remember that this says more about them than it does about you, as impossible as it may seem to believe this. Understand that most people will not speak up against them as they do not want to get involved. Try not to take this personally. They do not know that this is worse than normal neighborhood social gossip. And those that do know might not want to be the new target.

3. Focus inward and onward. This is important. Find anything that will allow you to get out the feelings and bring a sense of peace. Some people take up kickboxing, others try martial arts, and many find success with journaling or art. Find something that will allow you to work through the nervous energy that becomes pent up while also finding ways to train your mind into strength.

4. Let them be their own demise. Many forms of martial arts train you to use your opponent's energy against them–do this. Eventually, the lies will catch up to them. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes, unfortunately, it takes years, but people will eventually see through their lies. The more they smear you, the more they look immature and vengeful, and the more bored people will get with the story. Those who are truly there for you will come back around. Those who do not were never truly there for you to begin with if that is all it took to turn them against you. In a way, they did you a favor.

5. Take notes and document everything. Keep your story consistent and calm, and stick to the facts. The truth will be your guide during this time. As long as you stick to your truth, their lies will unravel, whether in court or elsewhere.

Until judges and others within the court system fully understand the profiles and motivations behind a batterer, they will continue to use the court system to harass their targets, furthering the abuse their victims were trying to escape from and showing survivors that the court system is not a safe place for protection.