Taking Legal Action During Post-Separation Abuse

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The concept of proof is a major element of our criminal justice system and is the basis of our laws. And this is a good thing in theory: If a neighbor accuses me of scratching their car, but they have no video, photos, or other proof that I did, this lack of evidence protects me from their false claims.

But in instances of domestic violence, this exacerbates an existing victim-blaming mindset, making leaving the relationship seem more difficult than staying. Our legal system gives the benefit of the doubt to the abuser, burdening victims with further trauma and humiliation tantamount to more abuse.

"When an abusive relationship ends, the abuser's need for power and control does not disappear. It merely transitions to a new form of abuse called post-separation abuse" (HCE&R 2022).

Retaliation to punish and get revenge on an ex for ending an abusive relationship, known as post-separation abuse, can escalate to far worse experiences than the victim suffered during the relationship itself. When the breakup involves someone with a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder, they could leave you paying tenfold for every mistake they believe you ever made.

Going through any breakup is stressful enough. A victim typically already feels defeated. But when post-separation abuse is involved, they also have to defend themselves against an angry ex out for revenge, potentially armed with new legal weapons with which to continue their abuse.

"The platform for post-separation abuse is the family court system, and the abuser weaponizes the children and family court professionals to maintain power and control" (HCE&R, 2022). Whether it's by filing false police and child protection reports, spreading false information to discredit and smear, or using the court system to harass through frivolous litigation, victims are punished for leaving the relationship, and the courts help inflict the punishment.

“After a breakup, the courts are often the only tool left for abusers seeking to maintain a hold over their victims’ lives. The process costs money and time and can further traumatize victims of intimate-partner violence, even after they have managed to leave the relationship" (Klein, 2019).

During my own experience navigating the legal system, I found myself frustrated and exasperated by the expectations of the courts that victims be able to read, understand, and navigate so much paperwork. Whenever I do trainings on supporting clients through getting protection from domestic violence through the legal system, I always say: As a social worker, my training is in navigating social systems, and I had to wonder: “If a social worker can’t navigate this system, who can?”

During a stressful time, the last thing a victim needs is to worry about misinterpreting legal documentation. The legal language used in protection orders, citations, and other documents should be easier to understand. Anything else is unfair and places a burden on an already overwhelmed victim. I have supported clients of all levels of education, reading, and language abilities, and this is a continuous and consistent problem. No one should need a legal degree to obtain protection from an abuser.

“The whole process feels like you’re riding a mechanical bull that you do not have the luxury of falling off of!” —Jessica, California

How to Find an Attorney With the Right Experience

Look for someone who has experience with domestic abuse. Some lawyers specialize in litigation abuse or harassment, especially in bigger cities. If you don't find anyone, ask around about who has experience with these kinds of cases. While the world is becoming more aware of psychological abuse and narcissism in the court system, many courts and court officials are slow to catch up. So seek someone who seems to understand it, as they could help your case tremendously by seeing the bigger picture and the need for protection.

The questions you ask a prospective attorney should feel less like an interview and more like a conversation to increase your understanding of each other. During this conversation, you can get an idea of their personality and how they might help you. Are they strong-willed or passive? Are they soft-spoken or do they command the room? Do they understand the dynamics of malicious lawsuits or do you get the impression that they are just punching the clock?

Most lawyers will offer a free consultation that is usually about 15 minutes to an hour. Take notes as you ask them some version of the following questions.

1. What experience do you have working with “high conflict” divorce or separation cases? Even though this term is starting to be used less often, as it implies that both parties are causing the conflict, it is still the most common term in the legal community for such cases. Judges and others within the court system need to fully understand the profiles and motivations that drive someone to physically batter an intimate partner and how they may use the court system to further their abuse. To keep their victims from trying to escape their abusers, make a point to show them that the court system is not a safe place for protection.
2. In your opinion, what does “high conflict” mean? This will give you an idea of how they view the situation. Do they see it as “tit for tat,” or is there a chance they will see one-sided behavior for what it is?
3. In your experience, what is the best option for someone to protect themselves? If they brush off this question, say "I don't know" while seeming annoyed at it, or seem to think you are overreacting, these could be red flags that they do not understand the severity of your situation.

Domestic Violence Essential Reads

Denial for the Perpetrator and Survivor of Intimate Partner Abuse

Brain Injuries and Domestic Violence

Excerpted, in part, from my book, It's Not "High-Conflict," it's Post-Separation Abuse: How Abusers Take Advantage of the Legal System to Continue to Instill Abuse.

If you are dealing with post-separation abuse or any kind of domestic violence, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799–7233. To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.