How to Avoid Feeling Shamed by Moralizing Bullies

I'll start here by defining three moral postures people adopt:

1. Unconscientious Moral Maximizing: Pretending to always live by all possible moral standards while employing them selectively. Paying no attention to moral tradeoffs.

Example: “I act offended every chance I get and I always maximize whatever moral principle makes me the winner in the moment. When I feel threatened, I moralize that people should always be kind because kindness is the absolutely most important moral principle. When I want to pick on someone, I say I’m just being honest and that honesty is the most important moral principle. If someone calls me a hypocrite for flip-flopping about kindness and honesty being most important, I tell them I hate hypocrites and shame on them for trying to shame me because if there’s one absolute moral principle that I always apply, it’s to never ever shame anyone.”

“I’m always the most moral because I can rationalize anything I want by citing, as needed, some absolute moral principle that proves I’m best. Maximum morality – that’s me. I’m never immoral. I collect all the morals. They’re like my police badge collection, the badges I flash at anyone who ever tries to challenge me. I’m the moral police. I blare my police siren at others so loud it proves I’m a perfect saint, above the law.”

2. Conscientious moral maximizers: People who genuinely try to always live by all the moral rules and feel bad about failing.

Example: “All my life I’ve been told to follow all the moral rules. For example, kindness and honesty are always the answer. So of course, I try to always be completely kind and honest. But I keep failing which makes me feel terrible. I try so hard to be good but fear that I’m bad. I get scolded a lot. I feel ashamed of myself.”

3. Conscientious moral minimizers: People who manage their moral commitments for efficient effectiveness, recognizing that moral principles are constraints best kept to a conscientious minimum, that there are tradeoffs between them, and that therefore one must cultivate the wisdom to know when to apply which moral constraint.

Example: “Morality is a balancing act for efficient effectiveness. For example, sometimes I’m honest, and sometimes for kindness’ sake, I’m tactful. That’s the only way to live, that’s how everyone lives, though some people pretend they can live some other way. I don’t believe we can live by moral absolutes other than to try to achieve good outcomes.”

“I try to drive the winding roads of life efficiently and safely, trying not to be too far over to one side or its opposite. I know I have to prioritize moment to moment depending on my circumstances. For example, sometimes I’m too honest or too kind – too assertive or not assertive enough. I try to minimize both errors and when I fail, I learn from it without beating myself up.”

We often talk as though people should simply choose to be conscientious without admitting that consciences limit our options. There are things we could and would do, but can’t do in good conscience.

Many people will shed their consciences if they can get away with it. If they see others getting away with it, they’ll shed theirs too, which is how authoritarian cults form: people outsourcing their consciences to some vague authority that enables them to pose as the most conscientious without having to feel constrained. No deed too dirty for saints like them.

They don’t act like they’ve shed their consciences. Rather, they become unconscientious moral maximizers, blaring their moral police sirens at others so loud that they drown out their own immorality.

They often get away with it because conscientious moral maximizers are easy to scold and make defensive. For example, if they’re shamed for shaming people, they scramble to deny that they shamed because shaming is always wrong. They don’t notice that they were just shamed. Rather they feel that they’re to blame for failing the absolute moral principle that one should never shame.

Unconscientious moral maximizers love that.

If you want to have a conscience – and you should – you can’t afford to be a conscientious moral maximizer. Unconscientious moral maximizers will ticket you for one moral violation after another. You’ll be scrambling to defend yourself, which enables them to keep playing moral police.

Conscientiousness Essential Reads

The Conscientious Path

The Career Power of Being Conscientious

The solution is to become a conscientious moral minimizer. Here’s an example of a dialogue between an unconscientious moral maximizer and a conscientious moral minimizer that illustrates how morally effective you can be.

Shame on you for shaming!

Of course, I shame. Like you, like everyone. I try to shame where it helps more than it harms. I try to figure out when to shame, whereas you pretend you don’t while shaming me for shaming.

That’s unkind! You’re a jerk for being unkind to me!

Of course, I’m unkind sometimes, like you, like everyone. I try to be unkind when it's earned, when someone should face the consequences for their actions, whereas you pretend you’re kind while calling me a jerk.

You are a jerk! I’m just being honest. One should always be honest so I always am.

No, you’re not. No one is always honest. You just pretend to be when it suits you. You’re a hypocrite who pretends you live by moral absolutes when you don’t. No one does.

A hypocrite? You just called me a name! You shouldn’t be a name caller.

Of course, I name-call – like you, like everyone. You just called me a name-caller. I want to name-call where it helps more than harms. You pretend you never name-call while name-calling.

Well, you’re the hypocrite obviously, because you have double standards.

Of course, I have double standards. We all do. You think it’s OK for adults to drive but not kids. You just pretend you don’t. It’s obvious from the way you scold for things you do. You just like playing moral police. You’ll take an excuse for pretending you're outraged.