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Key points
- The wince of shame is, at first, a physical experience of loss of tonicity and dropping away from connection.
- Because shame is so difficult to bear, we often move quickly to a different response.
- When we recognize our behavioral response to shame, it's a clue to go back and repair a disconnection.
Shame is very much talked about in current popular culture. Yet, many of my clients are still unaware when shame is the emotion that has hit them. This is because we don’t stay with the initial zing of shame for long; the toxic feeling of it makes us want to move quickly away from it. As with other emotions, often we don’t know we’ve been hit until we’re down the road in a behavior or “script” we’ve relied on to manage that emotion.
The first wince of shame is physical. It’s a momentary loss of tonicity in the body, which creates a slumping of the shoulders. We avert our gaze (usually down and to the right) while our head drops. Often, we become very confused and foggy in our thinking; it’s difficult to find any words. Some clients have described it as energy suddenly rushing out through their feet, or they feel heat and redness rising in their chest. Everything that happens in these moments is to disengage from the conversation or connection we were in. The feeling is so noxious that we generally move quickly to get out of this moment through one of four scripted responses.
What happens next is different depending on the scripts you use to manage your experience of shame. Don Nathanson referred to them as the four points on a "Compass of Shame." The four scripted responses we generally use are one or two of the following:
- Withdrawal: We are in withdrawal when we want to hide, run away, or go silent, or we wish the earth would just open up and swallow us. Withdrawal can actually serve as a healthy time-out when we’re in the moment of shame.
- Avoidance: Our society gives us all kinds of ways to avoid feeling shame through the use of substances (particularly alcohol and cocaine), compulsive behaviors (like eating disorders, gaming, gambling, or sex compulsions), or acquisitiveness (owning the right car, the right home, the right name brand clothes to create a counter-image of “worthiness” or “good enough”).
- Attack other: “Attack other” is a top go-to script for shame management in our society. Comparison, competition, outright verbal/physical aggression, gossip, bullying, road rage, and fan rage reside on this point of the compass
- Attack self: “Attack self” includes being overly self-critical, negative self-talk, and/or tolerating bad or abusive behavior from others in the interest of maintaining “connection.”
When we recognize we’re in one of these scripted behaviors, we have an opportunity to backtrack to the moment of shame. While it feels toxic, the value of shame is that it points us toward a need for some sort of corrective repair or reconnection. Getting curious about how we manage shame, as with all emotions, gives us the opportunity to find the value in the emotions that give us a survival advantage.
Copyright 2024 Jennifer Lock Oman, LISW. All rights reserved.
References
Demos, E. Virginia (Ed.) (1995). Exploring Affect: The Selected Writings of Silvan S. Tomkins. Cambridge, England: Cambridge University Press.
Nathanson, D. (1992). Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex and the Birth of the Self. New York, NY: WW Norton & Company.
