To Heal From a Heart-Wrenching Breakup, Review the Red Flags

A reader writes:

Help! I thought I was in a wonderful, loving marriage. But recently, my partner confessed that he hasn’t felt connected with me for the past decade and he moved out to pursue relationships with other women he feels more connected to.

I’m desperately trying to make sense of this turn of events. I'm wondering if his abusive childhood plays a role. This is ripping my heart out! Is there any hope for saving this relationship?

Dear Hope,

I’m so sorry.

It sounds as if you two have been living in parallel universes—you feeling connected but him feeling disconnected. For people who feel disconnected in otherwise loving relationships, there can be a number of factors at play, including childhood trauma, depression, midlife crisis, addiction, and other hidden struggles. In fact, there could be many red flags to consider.

• Was he great for a while, charming and willing to connect with you, but he couldn’t sustain it?
• Did he keep his feelings of disconnection hidden for all those years?
• Is he infatuated or romantically involved with someone else in particular?
• Is he searching immediately for another long-term relationship?
• Does he seem irrational or delusional, living in an “alternate reality” in which he imagines easily building a life with someone else?
• Does he proclaim to have superior knowledge about connection, when actually, giving up a long-term relationship for the sugar high of a new infatuation shows a dire lack of understanding about connection?
• Does he show a grave disregard for thinking through the consequences of his actions?
• Does he project onto you his weaknesses, faults, and struggles, seeing you as the one with the problem?
• Does he hold you responsible for his feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, claiming you're the offender and he's the victim, even though he's the one who ended your relationship?
• Does he tend to do things "the hard way," or engage in self-sabotage in other areas of his life?
• Does he lack empathy for you?

Many of these red flags are hallmarks of self-absorbed or narcissistic tendencies, which is a common outcome for abused and neglected kids, due to their developing brains being exposed to trauma. Many of these children survive by dissociating or disconnecting from themselves and what is happening, and these feelings of disconnection can linger. They also learned to defend against the unfair blame and shame heaped upon them, and as adults, still may not tolerate being held accountable for their actions, and may consider others' input, suggestions, or disagreement as dangerous and therefore react unkindly. They tend to embody entitlement and superiority in order to guard against their lack of self-worth and deep-seated shame. And they may show obvious (or subtle) signs of cognitive, social, and emotional impairment, such as a lack of logic, social skills, or emotional regulation, and trouble discerning what's reality and what's fantasy. Many hide behind a false self, which means they cannot reliably connect with the authentic self of anyone else, and as a result, they struggle to navigate or maintain healthy intimate relationships.

As an adult, your ex no longer needs these dissociative or defensive survival strategies. But because of neural pathways laid down in the wake of violence and abandonment, he perceives the world through damaged filters, so his brain and his body couldn't know for sure that he was safe, even with you and your trustworthy, loving presence. And without trauma-focused treatment, “the body keeps the score.” In other words, he doesn't just remember the trauma, he relives it whenever he's triggered by his distorted perceptions. As a result, he will likely continue to be distrustful, reactive, chaotic, destructive, and chronically unhappy.

Unfortunately, while trauma-focused treatment can benefit people who’ve suffered childhood trauma, people with narcissistic tendencies are extremely well-defended, protecting themselves from an ocean of internalized shame. As a result, they tend to sabotage therapy, twisting its lessons and weaponizing their partner’s vulnerability. Or they may find a therapist who is duped by their charms and enables their narcissistic narratives.

It sounds as though you would do what it takes to save the relationship, but if he is clearly unable to collaborate with you in this endeavor, this is perhaps the biggest red flag of all. Here are other deal breakers that appear to be present:

• Keeping secrets. For example, hiding feelings of disconnection and not saying "I need help with this," reveals an inability to be insightful, collaborative, trusting, or vulnerable. Infidelity and addiction to infatuations also involve secrets and can indicate a desperate desire for attention or a way to escape from problems. Secrets cover the extent of emotional dysregulation and dysfunction, so there's no way you could’ve known.
• No room for you in the relationship. Unilaterally ending a relationship shows no awareness of the partnership or sense of "us." Other signs include not inquiring about your life, interests, desires, and goals, or getting upset when you didn't align your thoughts, ideas, and feelings with his. If there's no room for you, there is really no chance of having a healthy relationship.
• He is gone. If you feel devalued and discarded, this is another sign that your relationship was sabotaged by a partner who struggles with narcissistic tendencies.

Your hope that this relationship can be saved is a testament to your attachment and devotion, and indeed, this is a painful loss for you to bear.

Simply put, though, your job now is to focus on your own self-care.

• Have realistic expectations for your grief. You will grieve deeply—and likely for a long time. But even as you grieve, you are also healing, redrawing your neural map, and reinventing your life, one day at a time. Stay the course.
• Engage in mindful, reflective journaling. Putting your experiences and feelings of grief on paper can help you bring all the red flags to light, think more clearly about any narcissistic tendencies, and gain insights into his actions. Journaling can also clarify what you want and what your next steps are.
• Hold yourself accountable for your contribution to the situation. What might you have done better? What relationship skills do you want to acquire? What will you do differently in the future?
• Connect with people who can offer you comfort, companionship, and nonjudgmental support.
• Therapy is also in order, as you are certainly dealing with betrayal trauma. Therapy can also support you in your grieving, adjustment, and healing transformation as you reinvent your life.

It may be tempting to hang on to the hope that he gets treatment for his trauma, admits the error of his ways, and comes running back to you. But even if that were possible, it would likely take years. And by then, you will have long seen the light, grown onto a new path, and created an easier, more fulfilling life that isn’t burdened by a complicated relationship with a complicated man.

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To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.