How to Respond When Incompetence Becomes a Weapon

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In the world of divorce, there are countless tactical maneuvers people use to get ahead. As a family law attorney with years of experience helping clients and litigating in the courtroom during the most high-conflict scenarios, I often feel like I’ve seen everything.

But there is a concerning new trend bubbling up in some of my cases: the weaponization of incompetence—a deliberate strategy used to manipulate the legal process and gain an unfair advantage over the other co-parent either financially, related to custody, or both.

Incompetence, within the context of divorce, encompasses a range of behaviors aimed at feigning incapacity or inability to fulfill obligations, or implying a lack of competency in the other parent, particularly in financial matters and child custody arrangements. This not only prolongs the divorce process, but also inflicts emotional and financial harm on the parties involved.

Weaponized Incompetence in Financial Issues

One of the most common forms of incompetence weaponization revolves around financial matters. During divorce proceedings, full financial disclosure is required so that the parties can come to a fair and equitable agreement.

• However, some individuals resort to concealing assets, underreporting income, or engaging in financial mismanagement to obscure their true financial standing.
• For instance, a spouse might claim unemployment or underemployment, when this is not the case.
• This often involves a spouse hiding income through cash transactions, cryptocurrency, or other methods, making it challenging for both their spouse and the court to accurately assess their financial status.
• The ultimate goal for this spouse is to pay “less” to the other spouse, either in maintenance, support, or alimony.

Weaponized Incompetence in Custody Disputes

Incompetence weaponization can also be used in child custody disputes. (And perhaps not always in the way you think.)

• Some parents may exhibit a lack of interest or involvement in their children's lives, strategically neglecting their parental responsibilities, to portray themselves as unfit for custody.
• Others may attempt to turn the children against the other parent, including using parental alienation, to support a case that the other parent is “incompetent” at their parenting duties.
• In extreme cases, false accusations of abuse or neglect may be made, causing significant emotional distress to the accused, forever damaging co-parenting relationships and also inflicting lasting trauma on the children caught in the middle.
• The goals in these cases are either to gain full custody, or avoid responsibility for having the children much at all.

Being on the receiving end of any of these tactics is anxiety producing, not only for the person who is targeted, but for the children involved. The emotional toll that divorce proceedings can take on individuals and their children, even in the “best case scenario,” is significant, so any additional manipulation is simply adding unnecessary pain and distress.

As I always say, it is critical that co-parents take into consideration the emotional health and stability of their children above all other things, which can be challenging in the midst of such a stressful process.

But working with your co-parent in the best interest of your children is hugely important. It could ultimately affect the court’s decision on what to do with your children if you ever need to litigate.

Your emotional health, and that of your children, should be your top priority. If your co-parent is weaponizing incompetence in any way, notify your attorney immediately for guidance on next steps. And if you can consult a therapist – for yourself or your children – that would also be helpful.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Note: This post is not intended to serve as legal or financial advice. Each situation is unique. Please speak with a local financial professional or attorney to address your issues specifically.