How to Negotiate Better Romantic Relationships

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February is considered the month of love. Valentine’s Day plays its part in this perception. For most, this hallowed day has the general populace thinking about chocolate hearts and flowers. While these are standard gifts for the occasion, perhaps it would be more productive to consider the gift of negotiating a better relationship.

The average person spends time preparing and planning for business negotiations, yet fails to do so for their more important personal and intimate relationships. Part of the problem is the conditioned perceptions surrounding negotiation itself. When thinking about negotiation, board rooms and power suits typically come to mind. The reality is that all of life is a negotiation—and intimate relationships are no exception.

Valentine’s Day or not, consider the potential power of sitting down with your partner and getting intentional about the following three simple things.

1. Choose Who Each Wants to Be With the Other

Having an open discussion with one’s partner about who each wants to be with the other is a valuable bonding experience in the moment and has added long-term benefits.

In consultation with one’s significant other, explore the various ways of being and what each approach reaps in relationship. Consider which qualities will enhance growth and intimacy in the relationship vis-à-vis each other.

To facilitate the discussion, each partner chooses three words to describe who they want to be with the other. There is no right or wrong answer. The process and selected words will be unique to each individual and relationship. For some, being "generous," "understanding," and "supportive" may be key while for another it may be "energized," "adventurous," and "open’." The words that are important for one partner to work on will likely be different from those for the other. It is important to be creative and mindful of what works best for each individual and for their partner.

The lasting effects of this exercise come when both give permission to each other to call out when the other person is not acting in the spirit of their chosen words. Agree that calling a partner on their words will have no adverse consequences. In other words, each partner is entitled to get-out-o- jail-free cards to call out behaviour inconsistent with the negotiated three-word model for the relationship.

2. Create a Relationship Bucket List Together

Another great bonding experience that can help a couple find their best life together is taking time (perhaps over a romantic meal or other intimate setting) to come up with a mutually desirable bucket list.

Think of things each would like to do together, places each would like to go, and experiences to share. Including some simple but often-overlooked items is important, but it is also beneficial to come up with some audacious items. Thinking big, being bold, and stretching each other to include items that seem out of reach can be thrilling, adding spark, excitement, and joyful expectation for a future together.

With the mutually created bucket list fresh in mind, cement the process by prioritizing and setting dates for each item, determining next steps required to make each a reality. Then both partners can enjoy the ongoing experience of making each item happen together.

3. Explore Your Five-Year Plan

In addition to creating an achievable bucket list, it is valuable to explore a five-year plan together. Consider where each partner wants to be in five years, both individually and as a couple. Consider all the various facets of life to ensure the plan allows both partners to live full and balanced lives including.

• Health & Fitness
• Wealth & Finance
• Mission & Vision
• Emotional & Mental
• Growth & Learning
• Intimate/Romantic Relationship
• Family & Friends
• Experiences & Quality of Life
• Spirituality
• Career (if not covered under mission or vision).

Being open and honest with each other is critical, as is challenging each other to think bigger and bolder. In that way, both can grow together in a shared vision for the future that will enable each to live into the fullest version of their lives.

Negotiating these things together, as a gift to each other, creates intimacy in the moment and sets the stage for long-term benefits of living a shared vision created together. The process requires collaboration, compromise, and creativity. It requires genuine listening to each other. It builds trust and deepens rapport, all of which strengthen a relationship in the moment and moving forward. It will definitely be worth more than a box of chocolates!