Commando Parenting: Is It Best for Your Children?

Commando Parenting is basically an “all-in” type of parenting in which parents strip away everything but the basic necessities for their child—no luxuries, treats, or amenities—in order to persuade the child to conform to the behavioral or attitudinal expectations held by the parents. There are extreme versions, such as the practice of creating a situation in which a child is left only with the basics for survival due to misbehavior. Television's "Dr. Phil" popularized this concept in describing how to handle children whose behavior is not being shaped effectively by whatever current means of discipline parents were practicing.

An example of commando parenting would be to remove all of your child’s favorite clothing if they forgot to put them in the basket on laundry day. Another example would be to remove all access to communication and media devices—even those required for schoolwork—if they went over their daily limit on the number of hours allowed to use them. It’s an “all-or-nothing” approach that uses metaphorical “brute force” to force your child to change.

Earning back privileges or bed linens or their Chromebook for school happens as their behavior changes. It’s more than just grounding your child; it’s grounding them and stripping their parts. Then making them work hard to earn them back one by one.

In the less extreme version, commando parenting means making sure that your child knows that “no means no.” It may include setting rigid boundaries and limits that you intend to maintain regardless of how much a child begs or pleads or tantrums. No amount of whining or persuasion from the child will keep the parent from removing the child from the situation or removing the situation from the child.

Concerns Related to Commando Parenting

Whenever military language creeps into everyday use, it often connotes a certain coldness and lack of empathy for others. This is the opposite of what most parents want to convey to their children. While out-of-bounds behavior should not be tolerated, parents should continue to communicate their unconditional love for their child and feelings of warmth and belonging. While having clear boundaries and natural consequences for misbehavior in place is important for supporting acceptable behavior, commando parenting implies harshness and a refusal to work together with a child to address the behavior.

Benefits of Commando Parenting

In life-or-death situations, some aspects of commando parenting may be especially useful. No really needs to mean no when a child is engaged in risky behavior. If a child is breaking every toy in sight, removing all their toys may be the best way to stop the behavior. If a child can’t be trusted not to leave their fenced yard, keeping them inside may be the best way to protect their well-being. When there’s a clear rationale for “going commando” that is based on the child’s needs, not a desire to exert power and control, instances of commando parenting can make sense. When parents are just trying to prove to others that they have all the power and control in the parenting relationship or are playing with “tough love” as a way of exerting dominance over their children, commando parenting serves no useful purpose and can rupture the parent-child relationship for good.

Don’t Go Commando, Go for Caring

One of the most successful methods of parenting is utilizing an authoritative style of parenting. When this is in place, rules are rules, and children understand what is and is not allowed. However, when a child misbehaves, communication is the first step in addressing the issue. The child is allowed to express their feelings, thoughts, and opinions about things and is treated with respect.

The rules stay in place, but parents recognize that when rules are broken, or mistakes are made, these are opportunities for children to learn from their mistakes. The message of unconditional love is not disrupted, and children are shown warmth and support even when rules are broken. These children are more likely to develop into emotionally strong adults who are self-reliant and independent and have strong social skills. All of these traits are essential for optimal success in adulthood.

Children who grow up in homes governed by authoritarian, commando-style parents are not likely to be as socially skilled as their peers from authoritative homes. They grow up in situations where communication is typically one-sided and parent-down, and they are likely to have had little attention paid to their own needs as children.

Choosing an authoritative style over an authoritarian style doesn’t alter the family’s hierarchy in that the parents remain in charge. However, in an authoritative household, the children never doubt their parents’ unconditional love, support, and concern for their well-being.