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Family Dynamics
3 Ways to Get More Respect From Your Adult Child
Active listening, respected boundaries, and more.
Posted March 24, 2024 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- The more respect you give your adult child, the more likely you will get it back from them.
- Respect is earned through consistent empathy, healthy boundaries, and authentic communication.
- When parents lead respectfully, it helps adult children express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly.
Aretha Franklin's "Respect" refers to a romantic relationship. Yet the lyrics below can apply to many relationships, including strained ones between parents and their adult children:
A little respect (just a little bit)
I get tired (just a little bit)
Keep on tryin' (just a little bit)
You're runnin' out of foolin' (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)'spect
When you come home (re, re, re, re)
Or you might walk in (respect, just a little bit)
And find out I'm gone (just a little bit)
I got to have (just a little bit)
A little respect (just a little bit)
Mutual Respect Glues Parents and Adult Children Together
Most of us think that love is the glue that holds relationships together. I don't believe this is the case. I have seen couples divorce even when the partners claim they still love each other. Further, I see parents and adult children who report that they love one another, yet allow disrespect to get in the way of calm, constructive communication. I have counseled many adult children who say they love their parents. Yet, they often share with me that even though they love their parents, they don't feel respected by them.
Typically, when adult children don't feel respected it is because they don't feel validated, which leads them to show disrespect back to their parents. What a gift to both you and your adult child if you can help improve mutual respect and connection in your relationship while you are still alive and in your adult child's life.
From a parent's perspective, building and maintaining a respectful relationship with adult children can be a nuanced journey. As became more clear to me from researching for my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, as children mature into adults, the dynamics of the parent-child relationship evolve, requiring a shift in approach to maintain mutual respect.
Here are three effective ways you can garner more respect from your adult child:
1. Active Listening and Empathy
When I coach parents to help them connect better with their adult children, they often acknowledge not sufficiently validating their children's struggles. Active listening is a cornerstone of effective communication and validation.
Accurate validation involves not only hearing but also understanding the other person's perspective. For parents seeking to gain respect from their adult children, mastering active listening can foster deeper connections and mutual understanding.
Example: Tim, a 29-year-old adult child, expresses their desire to switch career paths in a field that differs from their parents' expectations. Instead of parents Miriam and Bob immediately dismissing Tim's choice, they could actively listen and empathize with Tim's aspirations. They might say, "I understand that you're passionate about pursuing an art career. Can you tell us more about what draws you to this field?" By demonstrating genuine interest and understanding, they acknowledge Tim's autonomy and validate his feelings and choices.
2. Respect Boundaries and Autonomy
Respecting the boundaries and autonomy of adult children is essential for fostering mutual respect and trust. It acknowledges their independence and demonstrates confidence in their ability to make decisions. It's one thing for parents to gently expose their values. It is another for parents to impose those values.
Example: Jill frequently offers unsolicited advice or intervenes in her adult daughter Emma's personal affairs. Instead of assuming control, Jill could respect Emma's autonomy by offering support only when requested and refraining from imposing her opinions. If Emma sets boundaries regarding certain topics or decisions, such as her relationships or career choices, Jill will do best for Emma if she honors those boundaries and refrains from overstepping.
3. Open Communication and Transparency
Maintaining open communication and transparency builds trust and fosters respect within the parent-child relationship. Honest dialogue allows both parties to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly.
Example: Brianna is facing financial challenges and is hesitant to discuss them with her 33-year-old son, Davonte, due to pride or fear of judgment. Instead of concealing her struggles, Brianna could initiate an honest conversation with Davonte, explaining the situation and seeking their understanding and support. By being transparent about her circumstances, Brianna demonstrates vulnerability and trust in their relationship with Davonte, fostering a deeper sense of respect and empathy.
Final Thoughts
Gaining more respect from adult children involves active listening, respecting boundaries and autonomy, and fostering open communication and transparency. By implementing these strategies, parents can cultivate a relationship built on mutual understanding, trust, and respect, ensuring a strong and lasting bond with their adult children.
©Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
