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Key points
- Shame is a negative emotion that can impair your adult child's functioning.
- Your adult child's self-talk provides an illuminating view into their feelings of shame.
- Providing healthy support, fostering open communication, and encouraging self-compassion reduces shame.
Through my counseling of struggling adult children, I see firsthand how shame often becomes their pervasive companion. This often emotionally paralyzing stubborn sense of shame shapes their worldview and influences their actions in profound ways.
These examples of adult children's shame-related thoughts below weave a web of self-defeating behaviors that hinder personal growth and perpetuate cycles of suffering.
Examples of Shame-Based Thoughts From Adult Children in Pain
I'm never good enough. This self-talk often arises from adult children who berate themselves for not meeting impossibly high standards (either self-imposed or perceived by others), leading to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
I can't trust anyone; they'll only hurt me. Struggling adult children tend to believe that they are inherently unworthy of love and respect. This belief can manifest as a reluctance to trust others, fearing rejection and further shame.
I must hide my true feelings and thoughts; they're shameful. Adult children in emotional pain may internalize the belief that their feelings and thoughts are wrong or shameful. As a result, they may suppress their emotions and authentic selves to avoid the fear of judgment or criticism from others.
I'm responsible for everything that goes wrong. Struggling adult children often feel a disproportionate sense of responsibility for others' problems. They may blame themselves for family conflicts or other people's unhappiness, reinforcing feelings of shame and unworthiness.
I don't deserve happiness or success. This self-talk stems from adult children believing that they are inherently flawed or undeserving of positive experiences. It leads to self-sabotage and a reluctance to pursue goals or relationships that could bring fulfillment.
No parent is perfect. Taking responsibility for things you could have done better as a parent is helpful to you and your adult child. But beating yourself up and stewing about the past gets you nowhere. Let's now turn to how you, as a parent, can help your adult child free themselves from the shackles of shame.
9 Tips to Help Your Adult Child See the Light Past the Shadow of Shame
Parents play a pivotal role in shaping the emotional well-being of their adult children, particularly when it comes to overcoming feelings of shame. Whether rooted in past failures, societal pressures, or personal setbacks, shame can be a debilitating emotion that hampers an adult child's ability to move forward. Here are some goals I help parents work toward when coaching them to support their struggling adult children to overcome these feelings of shame.
1. Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication with your adult child. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. Listen attentively and validate their feelings, letting them know that it's OK to struggle and that you're there to support them.
2. Normalize Failure: Help your adult child understand that failure is a natural part of life and doesn't define their worth as a person. Share your own experiences of failure and how you overcame them, emphasizing the lessons learned and the growth that came from those experiences.
3. Encourage Self-Compassion: Teach your adult child the importance of self-compassion and self-acceptance. Help them challenge their inner critic and replace self-critical thoughts with kinder, more compassionate ones. Remind them that they are worthy of love and respect, regardless of their perceived shortcomings.
4. Focus on Strengths: Help your adult child identify their strengths and talents. Encourage them to focus on their accomplishments and positive qualities rather than dwelling on their perceived failures. Celebrate their successes, no matter how small, and remind them of their resilience and capability. My recent post, The Most Overlooked Strategy for Success, addresses how small personal victories create a big impact on self-esteem and motivation.
5. Set Realistic Expectations: Be mindful of setting unrealistic expectations for your adult child, whether academically, professionally, or personally. Instead, encourage them to set achievable goals and support them in their efforts to work towards them at their own pace.
6. Lead by Example: As a parent, lead by example by modeling healthy coping mechanisms and emotional resilience. Show your adult child that it's OK to ask for help when needed and that seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.
7. Encourage Self-Care: Remind your adult child of the importance of self-care and prioritizing their physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Encourage them to engage in activities that bring them joy and relaxation, whether it's exercise, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones.
8. Maintain Unconditional Love: Above all, reassure your adult child that your love for them is unconditional, regardless of their perceived failures or mistakes. Let them know that you are proud of them for who they are, not just for what they achieve.
9. Seek Professional Help: If feelings of shame persist despite your best efforts, encourage your adult child to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. Therapy can provide them with the tools and support needed to explore and address the underlying causes of their shame in a safe and nonjudgmental environment.
Final Thoughts
By providing healthy support, fostering open communication, and encouraging self-compassion, parents can play a crucial role in helping their struggling adult children overcome feelings of shame and move towards a healthier, more fulfilling life. Further, through actively listening without judgment and offering guidance with empathy, parents can empower their adult children to navigate feelings of shame with resilience and confidence, fostering a strong foundation for personal growth and well-being.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
dos Santos, M.A., de Freitas e Castro, J.M. & de Freitas Lino Pinto Cardoso, C.S. (2020).. The Moral Emotions of Guilt and Shame in Children: Relationship with Parenting and Temperament. J Child Fam Stud 29, 2759–2769 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-020-01766-6
Neda Sedighimornani, Katharine Rimes & Bas Verplanken (2021) Factors contributing to the experience of shame and shame management: Adverse childhood experiences, peer acceptance, and attachment styles, The Journal of Social Psychology, 161:2, 129-145, DOI: 10.1080/00224545.2020.1778616+
