“I’m Okay” (Even When I’m Not)

Image by WOKANDAPIX from Pixabay

Today, while browsing videos on my phone, I came across a striking one from Norwich City Football Club titled “Check in on those around you.” The video depicts two men enjoying soccer matches together, but by the end, one man is notably absent.

The twist is that the man who disappears is the one you least expect, suggesting he died by suicide. This unexpected turn serves as a moving reminder of how hard it can be to notice someone’s struggles.

In a world dominated by social media, where people often share only the highlights of their lives, there’s a heightened pressure to maintain a perfect facade. This not only skews our perception of true well-being but also cultivates a culture where genuine emotional sharing is overlooked in favor of appearing “okay.” As a result, people can end up feeling more isolated, lonely, and ashamed, deepening their sense of disconnection.

The Masks We Wear and Dissonance They Create

Central to this discussion is the tendency of people to display a facade of happiness and success, regardless of their actual feelings. This disparity between one’s external presentation and internal feelings is referred to as “dissonance” (Festinger, 1957).

Dissonance is a complex interplay of thoughts and behaviors in which individuals go to great lengths to maintain an appearance of having everything under control. This can include always wearing a smile, selectively sharing only the high points on social media, or never talking about personal challenges.

There are many reasons why individuals may feel compelled to hide their true feelings. Societal expectations play a significant role, as does the stigma still associated with mental health issues. They might fear judgment, rejection, or being seen as weak, which can drive them to hide their true emotions and experiences.

Additionally, as noted, the impact of social media—often a highlight of great experiences, exacerbates this issue, creating unrealistic benchmarks. Research has shown that societal pressure to be happy and not sad is actually linked to poor well-being (Dejonckheere et al., 2022).

When experiencing dissonance, individuals can adopt “defense mechanisms” such as avoiding, delegitimizing, or limiting the impact of the meaning of an experience (Gillespie, 2020). However, in doing so, they suppress their true thoughts and feelings and try to be “okay” to avoid burdening others, to conform to societal norms, or to attempt to avoid their true feelings.

This behavior can lead to a host of issues, including worsening anxiety, deeper depression, chronic stress, and an erosion of self-esteem, as they may internalize the inconsistency between their reality and developed persona. This results in feelings of disconnection from others and their authentic selves.

The Importance of Authenticity

Embracing and practicing authenticity and openness about one’s feelings can be a powerful step toward emotional well-being. Being authentic allows for genuine connections with others, breaking down the barriers of isolation and enabling a network of support and understanding.

It’s essential to remember that “it’s okay” not to be okay and that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Even with social media, research has shown a causal relationship between authentic posting and positive affect and mood (Bailey et al., 2020). Expressing the authentic self not only promotes individual well-being but also contributes to a culture where mental health is prioritized and vulnerability is viewed as a cornerstone of strength and growth.

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Tips for Support and Openness About Emotional Health

Tips to support others:

• Engage in Deeper Social Exchanges. When seeing someone, it’s common to ask, “How are you?” and they respond, “I’m okay.” Use questions that will encourage a discussion, such as “I haven’t seen you in a while; what have you been doing?” to create a dialogue rather than simple niceties.
• Listen Actively and Without Judgment. Offer your full attention to others to show that you value their experiences. Active listening creates a safe space for people to share their feelings, reducing feelings of isolation.
• Offer Yourself as a Support. Let others know you are someone they can come to or who is available if they need support. Simply saying, “If you ever need anything or just someone to talk to, know I’m here for you,” can go a long way.
• Normalize Conversations About Mental Health. Incorporate discussions about emotional well-being into everyday conversations. Sharing your experiences and showing interest in others’ mental health can encourage openness and reduce stigma.
• Encourage Professional Help When Necessary. Recognize when someone might need professional support and suggest it with sensitivity. Emphasize that seeking help is a strength and an essential aspect of self-care.
• Offer Resources and Information. Provide information about mental health resources, such as therapists, support groups, and online tools.

Tips to support yourself:

• Self-reflection and Acceptance. Engage in self-reflection to better understand and accept your emotional states, aiming to reduce the need to hide your true feelings.
• Mindful Sharing. Find a balance in what you share, allowing space for both positive aspects and possible struggles to present a more authentic self.
• Seeking Support. Actively reach out to friends, family, or professionals to express your emotions and navigate through them. Know that many people care and want to help.

Conclusion

Helping bridge the gap between how we appear and feel is vital to building a more compassionate and authentic society. By listening without judgment, normalizing conversations about mental health, encouraging professional help, offering resources, and being patient, we can support those around us and ourselves in addressing the complexities of emotional well-being. Together, we can create a community where everyone feels safe showing their true selves, developing a culture of understanding, support, and genuine connection.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7 contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling 988, or the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

To find a therapist near you, see the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.