Why Some People Flourish After Their Marriages End

The majority of people who divorce after the age of 50 have something in common: They stay single. That’s true for 62 percent of the men and a whopping 77 percent of the women (discussed more here at Living Single). Some want to remarry but never find a suitable partner. Others, though, after getting beyond an initial post-divorce period that may be quite painful, find that they love their single lives.

In surveys that ask people who are not married if they want to be married, the people least likely to say yes are those who have already been married. Maybe they have already learned by experience that marriage was not exactly the happily-ever-after bliss that they were promised. But in the life stories that were shared with me for my Single at Heart book, I found that even some people who did have profoundly fulfilling marriages discovered that they also loved their newly single lives and did not want to give those up.

Research by fellow Psychology Today blogger Elyakim Kislev suggests that the people who are especially likely to flourish when single are those who are not pining for a romantic partner. In analyses of survey data from thousands of participants, Kislev found that single people who don’t want a romantic partner value their friends more, and the more they value their friends, the more they appreciate their single lives. He also found that single people who want to stay single are typically more sexually satisfied than those who wish they were coupled. And, defying all stereotypes of what it means to be single as you grow older, the single people who wanted to stay single became happier and happier with their single lives.

The people who eventually flourish after they’ve been divorced or widowed often appreciate single life for the same reasons as people who are single at heart, even if they do not identify as single at heart. They find contentment and joy in being single. Many truly appreciate the time they have to themselves; rather than feeling lonely in solitude, they feel enriched and rejuvenated by the experience. They cherish the freedom to spend as much time with other people as they want without worrying that their romantic partners want more of that time to be spent with them. They like getting to pursue their interests guiltlessly, too.

They may experience their newfound freedom as an opportunity to learn and grow, to contribute to their communities, to live where and how they wish, to be in control of spending and saving money, and to be the deciders about everything from the little choices of everyday life (when to eat and sleep, what temperature to set the thermostat at) to the great, big, life-transforming possibilities (such as moving from one coast to another or even to another country).

Perhaps the most satisfying reward of staying single after a long romantic relationship is authenticity—coming to understand who you really are, apart from your romantic partner. Even with romantic partners who are not at all controlling, they still shape the other person’s experiences. In a newly single life, people can try things they never tried with their partner or experience things they had tried in new ways. For example, traveling solo or with friends can be an enriching experience in a way that is different from what it is with a romantic partner.

Being single again is not for everyone. Some people really will do better if they remarry. But for those who flourish when single, being single again can be a journey in which you come home to yourself. You become who you really are.

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