Does Porn Use Count as Cheating?

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There are countless views on whether pornography is good or bad, right or wrong, moral or immoral. In this article, it is not my intent to address, validate, or debunk any of those opinions. In fact, as a sex therapist, I have no value judgments whatsoever on the use of pornography. It is not my job to judge any adult’s individual sexual choices, as long as those choices are legal and not harming others. Rather, I seek here to address issues related to porn use and infidelity.

After nearly 30 years of counseling individuals and couples regarding sex and relationship troubles, I can tell you that one of the most common sources of contention in relationships surrounds the use of pornography. Often, conflict arises because a porn-using partner thinks their behavior does not count as cheating, while a non-porn-using partner thinks it does.

Often, the porn-using partner will argue that live, in-person sexual contact must take place before a behavior counts as cheating. To this end, they will say things like:

• It’s only porn. Everyone looks at it. Why are you so upset?
• It’s not like I’m trying to meet the people in porn so I can run off with them.
• I love you the same as always. This doesn’t impact our relationship at all.

The non-porn user, of course, disagrees on all counts and feels betrayed.

Upon deeper examination, I nearly always find that relational strife concerning the use of porn occurs when one partner’s version of relationship boundaries does not match the other partner’s version. What I typically find in these cases is that the relationship has presumed rather than overtly defined sexual and romantic boundaries, especially when it comes to gray area topics like pornography. Usually, porn use has never even been discussed in terms of the relationship.

Several years ago, in an attempt to better understand how online sexual and romantic behaviors were impacting relationships, I conducted a study with Drs. Jennifer Schneider and Charles Samenow. In the study, we spoke with approximately 200 women whose husbands were engaging in significant amounts of extramarital sexual activity, either online or in the real world (and often both), with the most common behavior being the use of pornography.

The most important finding of the study was that when it comes to the negative effects of one partner being sexual (in any way) outside a supposedly monogamous relationship, online and in-person behaviors are no different. The non-using partner feels the same sense of betrayal and the same level of emotional pain.

The study also confirmed my longstanding belief that no matter what type of extracurricular sex a person is having, it’s the lies and secrets that hurt their partner the most. This means that when it comes to infidelity, it’s not any specific sexual act that does the most damage to a relationship; it’s the emotional distancing, the sense of betrayal, and the loss of relationship trust. Based on this knowledge, I have crafted the following definition of infidelity, first published in my book Out of the Doghouse.

Infidelity (cheating) is the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.

Please note this definition does not speak about specific sexual or romantic behaviors like flirting, affairs, strip clubs, hookup apps, or using pornography. Instead, it focuses on what matters most in primary romantic relationships: mutual trust.

Please also note that this definition encompasses both online and real-world sexual behavior as well as sexual and romantic activities that stop short of intercourse—everything from looking at porn to kissing to something as simple as flirting. Last, and most important for purposes of this article, I ask you to note that this definition is flexible depending on the couple. It lets partners in a relationship mutually define their personal version of sexual fidelity.

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This means that in some relationships, it might be just fine for one partner to look at pornography as long as the other partner knows about the behavior and is OK with it. If, however, one partner is looking at porn and keeping it secret, or the other partner knows about it and doesn’t find it acceptable, then the behavior counts as cheating.

Unfortunately, as mentioned earlier, a lot of couples don’t discuss pornography and how it fits or doesn’t fit their relationship. Instead, they agree that they are going to have a monogamous relationship, but they don’t define what that means, assuming that they and their partner are on the same page on all aspects of relational fidelity. And because of this, it is relatively easy for one partner to think about porn as cheating when the other does not.

At the end of the day, whether porn is acceptable within the bounds of a relationship is up to the couple. But porn and porn-like behaviors do need to be discussed so that the boundaries are clear. When these potential behaviors are not clearly and specifically discussed, problems can arise.