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Key points
- Dating apps are for-profit ventures.
- Dating apps by their very nature provide intermittent reward, a proven pathway to keeping users hooked.
Once upon a time, the dating pool was relatively shallow. You could date people you met at school or work, at a bar, in a social club, at church, or through friends. Sometimes, the more eager among us sought the services of a matchmaker or placed a personal ad in a local newspaper or magazine. There was also a thing called computer dating, where you filled out a lengthy questionnaire and got “computer-matched” to someone else who’d filled out the same lengthy questionnaire.
Then the mid-90s came along, and we got the Internet and this crazy thing called AOL, which a whole lot of people—myself included—found incredibly enticing. If you’re too young to remember AOL dating and direct messaging, check out the 1998 film You’ve Got Mail. It’s an enjoyable romantic comedy that holds up surprisingly well. That said, the technology used by Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan as they fall for one another seems almost laughably antiquated.
These days, we have dating apps, which, when used properly, can be pretty amazing. I know several couples who met through an app, dated, fell in love, and are now happily married. You probably know a few such couples yourself. But this is not every person’s experience with dating apps. In fact, a recent class-action lawsuit alleges that dating apps are more about creating compulsive behaviors than facilitating the development of meaningful relationships.
As a therapist who has spent the past 30 years specializing in sex and relationship issues, the idea that people might get hooked on the allure of apps is hardly a surprise. After all, dating apps offer several very specific things that create a neurochemical pleasure response over and over again.
First and foremost, there is the triple-A allure of accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. Basically, apps are available 24/7, they’re less expensive than a trip to your local singles bar, and you can keep your search for love relatively secret and anonymous if you choose. These factors have been a draw for internet-based sexuality and romance from day one.
From a getting-you-hooked perspective, however, the most important factors are not the trio mentioned above. Rather, they are fantasy, variety, and intermittent reward.
Dating apps, much like the AOL approach of yesteryear, offer an endless supply of whatever fantasy you want. This is alluring because, in fantasies, everything is perfect. When I’m fantasizing about someone, I’m hot, they’re hot, I’m suave, they’re adorable, we enjoy the same things, we’ll never argue, the sex is great, and our relationship will be like this forever. Dating apps offer this type of fantasy in abundance.
The second factor that hooks dating app users is variety. Humans are hardwired to desire variety. For example, our brains know that our bodies require a variety of foods to get all the nutrients we need to be healthy. This is why we don’t want the same thing every meal, even if that thing is our favorite food. This desire for variety carries over into other aspects of our lives, including, to a certain extent, romance. We like to have different options (at least until we’ve found “the one”), and dating apps offer nothing if not endless variety.
The third thing that strongly appeals to dating app users is less obvious but equally if not more powerful. It is known as intermittent reward. This concept is best evidenced in experiments with lab rats.
When put in a cage with lots to do—cedar shavings, hamster wheels, toys, other rats to play, fight, and mate with—rats will first and foremost check the food dispenser. Like humans, they’re quite practical in this regard. If they get a nugget of food every time they push the food lever, they eat three or four nuggets, and then they go do something else. If they get a nugget every other time they push the lever, they figure that out relatively quickly, eat three or four bites, and go do something else. But if we add a randomization algorithm to the food dispenser so the rats don’t know iwhether or when food is coming, they will push the lever and eat until they vomit. They simply can’t stop.
Slot machines have a similar algorithm, as do video games and dating apps. The finely honed algorithms in gambling and gaming programs mix up both the frequency and variety of rewards just enough to hook the user. Think about Grandma the slot jockey who feeds her entire Social Security check into the slot machine, unable to stop pressing the button because if she does, the next person might come along and win big on the very next play.
Interestingly, unlike gambling machines and video games, apps don’t actually need a built-in algorithm. By their very nature, they provide intermittent reward all on their own. Every time you swipe, that person might (or might not) swipe back. Every time someone swipes on you, that person might (or might not) be “the one.” This is the power of possibility, and it alone is enough to keep users swiping (and paying for expensive app upgrades).
Every time users are notified of a match, they get a dopamine and adrenaline rush—a hit of neurochemical pleasure. Somebody likes me! This person might be my soul mate! Basically, users are thrown into the pleasure of fantasy multiple times per day. And who doesn’t want that?
The simple truth is that dating apps are for-profit ventures. Yes, they are designed to help people find dates and develop long-term relationships. But they are also designed to keep users involved with the app and paying for upgrades. And just like slot machines and video games, they’re very, very good at this.
