What Are the Most Common Relationship Excuses?

Jughead: “I feel guilty about that money I’ve owed you. Here.”

Reggie: “Two dollars? You owe me ten!”

Jughead: “But this brings the guilt down to a level I’m comfortable with!”

Pixabay/RoginHiggins

It is easy to rationalize, and some excuses are easier to make than others. For example, people do things online that hurt their relationship, such as flirting or sexting with strangers. Why do they do it virtually when they wouldn't physically?

Because online betrayal is easier to rationalize than in person: "It was just for a minute, it wasn't real, and I don't even know them."

Few would steal cash from their job, but many take pens and paper, use the company copier for personal purposes, or spend work hours surfing Pinterest. One researcher put Cokes in some dorm room refrigerators and plates of dollar bills in others. Within a few days, the soda was gone, but the money was not. No one grabbed a buck and went to the vending machine to get a Coke. Why not?

It was easier to rationalize swiping the drink than the dollar. Did you ever steal cash from a roommate? No? Did you ever eat their food in the refrigerator? I did, too (but it was only stuff they had a lot of or didn't want; plus, they ate mine sometimes. I'm pretty sure).

Another study has shown that people will cheat on tests when given the opportunity but keep their deceit within a limit. Even when given the answers, participants will bump their grades up only a certain percentage. Like Jughead, we keep excuses at a level we can comfortably justify.

In your relationship, you might not lie about cleaning the basement, but you might fail to mention that you also caught some reality TV for a while ("A deserved break") in the middle of it. You might not cheat on your spouse, but you might flirt with the nice-looking server at lunch.

The more convenient an excuse is, the more it will be used. Some partners blame their parents ("My mom was a screamer, so that is just how I respond."), work ("I am too busy with this project to come home on time"), and other people ("They were all doing it") because these are convenient. The famous Milgram experiment showed that participants were willing to administer what they thought were shocks to a stranger because they were told to by an authority figure. Studies on confirmation bias have found that if people need to believe something, they only need to find one reason, however sketchy, to feel good about their belief.

Many people use the behavior of others as a convenient excuse. This happens in companies as employees collude to reinforce sketchy behavior ("Everyone was lying about their hours, so I did too"), which happens in intimate relationships. If one sneaks off to buy something, the other has an easy reason to do it as well. If one is making outlandish excuses, the other will often follow suit.

It may be one of the reasons spouses tend to gain weight together. Are they having seconds on cheesecake? Don't mind if I do. Some partners engage in "revenge infidelity," where one is unfaithful because the other one was. It's not exactly helpful to the relationship.

Rationalizing is also a key feature in addiction because it oils the hinges to open the door to relapse. Rationalizations fuel all kinds of addictive behavior, including drinking, drugs, or donuts. Relapse starts with subtle self-talk.

One of my clients lost his job for surfing porn at work. He promised that he wouldn't but convinced himself that he was just taking a news break, which led to celebrity news, which led to sports and swimsuits, and then to porn. His thinking descended the usual path. I won't do it. I will only do a little. Since I have done a little, I might as well do more. I have blown it, and I might as well keep going. Why try? I am just a loser.

Excuses are so ubiquitous in addiction that if you go to a 12-step program and try to rationalize your behavior, you will be called out. Those who are serious about recovery know that rationalizing is the road to relapse. Regardless of the issue, it is always easy to make excuses.