Are You in Intimacy Sync With Your Partner?

When a couple is out of sync, one partner wants a more intimate relationship, while the other wants more time for self. It is common. When men and women are young, she is typically the partner who wants more intimacy. Kissing, caressing, embracing, and cuddling may be more satisfying to her than intercourse. At midlife, as she may develop a need for self-fulfillment that makes intimacy less important to her, she also may have increased sexual self-confidence and find greater satisfaction in intercourse. Orgasm, more easily achieved, may take on a new significance in her erotic life.

He Is Also Evolving

And now, inspired by his changing physiology, he wants more tenderness in their lovemaking and more shared confidences in their afterplay. Intimacy has become more meaningful and important to him. Early in the relationship, she may have complained he doesn't have enough "we" and too much "I." Now, she is reveling in her "I" time while he may be craving more "we."

There are, of course, other contributing reasons for a couple being out of sync. One may be thriving in the workplace while the other is floundering. One may be more involved with teen or adult children than the other. Or one may be in the emotional throes of dealing with ill or disabled parents, while the other's parents are in good health. In some couples, one may have significant aging issues while the other seems to move easily into a new life stage.

What's common to all these situations? One partner needs more comfort and safety from the marriage, and the other, in a personal cycle of growth and stability, needs less. In every long-term relationship, the partners will almost surely experience some out-of-sync time. Balancing one partner's greater need for intimacy against the other's desire for self-fulfillment is an ongoing process. Here are some hints for doing that:

Accept Being Out-of-Sync

1. Don't expect the relationship to meet all your needs. It is wise for each partner to be prepared to provide his or her own comfort and solace in the face of disappointment, sadness, or frustration. People find that comfort in many different ways, including long walks with the family dog, hobbies, and sports. Some people turn to religion. Friends and relatives can also provide support. An intimate partner is more than a source of succor and not the only person whose companionship can make your burdens seem lighter.

2. Acknowledge your own (or your partner's) inner strength. Most people are not as fragile as they think they are during emotionally needy times. Recall how you and your partner have handled difficult situations or crises in the past. You are stronger and more resilient if you believe in yourself.

3. Realize that being out of sync with your partner is normal and not a problem. Couples who expect to be soulmates and on the same wavelength for life have unrealistic expectations. Long-term intimate partners may connect intensely at times, but sometimes, they may feel like two very familiar ships passing in the night. Both synchrony and time spent out of sync are necessary for healthy interaction.

4. Use out-of-sync time for personal growth. This is a positive, useful time for both partners, not a traumatic event. Out-of-sync periods encourage couples to expand their individual coping skills, increase their ability to comfort themselves and develop personal hobbies and interests. Sometimes, this is a time when friendships and other family relationships are strengthened.